One of the most meaningful papers I wrote while studying at John Hopkins was called “The Button Paper”. This paper was assigning by my wise Introduction to Counseling professor, Fred Hana. Dr. Hana explained that every therapist has “button” issues that when “pressed” will invoke a strong response. As a therapist it is essential to keep such reactions in check to insure that they fit the needs of the client. An easy example would be a therapist who was bullied by an older child who is then is asked to provide help for a bully. The therapist must be aware that they might become overly angry when hearing reports about the actions of their client. Identifying these buttons gives the therapist the ability to be objective when dealing with issues that would otherwise cause a loss of objectivity.
This lesson is no less useful for educators.
Teachers are constantly faced with a variety of behaviors and idiosyncrasies. Many teachers will interact with hundreds of students and parents over their careers and are bound to face hot button issues along the way. It is essential that teachers become acquainted early with which personalities or issues will get them upset. Teachers who do not identify this early may be forced to do so by dealing with the fall out of an overreaction. There is almost nothing more dangerous for a teacher than the perfect storm created by having a stressful personal life and such personality clash can quickly create. Who does not recall such a scene from childhood? I can vividly see Rabbi X (our elementary school rebbe) standing bachur Y on the desk so he could scream at him eye to eye! As young children we were not sure what to do and in retrospect I don’t know who to feel worse for, Rabbi X or Bachur Y?
Lying has always been a difficult for me to deal with. When interacting with talmidim I put a lot of weight in our relationship and rely on the relationship to develop the talmid. When I discover that a talmid has lied to me I feel that the relationship is lost. The result of this thought process is a mixture of fear and anger. How could a talmid who I have loved and cared for think so little of our relationship that I hold so dear? Where do I go from here? This is one of my buttons.
Over the years I have come to see this behavior from another side. This change was inspired by the Parshios of this time of year.
Adom hides, Sarah lies.
How could these great people attempt to elude Hashem? Is it possible that Adom thought he could hide from Hashem? Did Sarah not know that Hashem knew she had laughed?
When people are so embarrassed about what they have done they are able to be mentally forced into lying. They are times that our minds will not allow us to see what is so clear. This concept is expressed in a number of psychological phenomena. Possibly most famous among these concepts is “cognitive dissonance”.
Cognitive dissonance is defined by Britannica Encyclopedia as:
“the mental conflict that occurs when beliefs or assumptions are contradicted by new information. The unease or tension that the conflict arouses in a person is relieved by one of several defensive maneuvers: the person rejects, explains away, or avoids the new information, persuades himself that no conflict really exists, reconciles the differences, or resorts to any other defensive means of preserving stability or order in his conception of the world and of himself. The concept, first introduced in the 1950s, has become a major point of discussion and research.”
It is but one of a number of mental mechanisms aimed at protecting ourselves from information that is too painful or difficult to process.
With this orientation the “lying” done to Hashem does not represent an irrational belief of alluding Hashem rather it is an expression of discomfort regarding with what the truth would mean. Suddenly Sarah’s lie can be seen as a virtue and a statement of her true recognition of the seriousness of what she had done. The application to our classrooms is self explanatory.
But can we conclude that lying is indeed a virtue?
I shared this idea with my wife’s uncle, Rabbi Yitzchok Cook, who lives in Bnie Brak and is a therapist in Yerushaliem, his reaction was shocking. He not only agreed with this but quoted a sefer that says this explicitly!
Rabbi Cook quoted the sefer Gavielay Aish by Rabbi Moshe Rize. Rabbi Rize quotes a Chazal that predicts that Adom will eat again from the Eitz Hadas. How could Chazal know such a thing? He explains that the answer lies in comparing the reactions of Adom and Sara to their misbehavior. Sara reacted by total denial, clearly expressing her total embarrassment over what had taken place. This denial endicates a complete azivas hachait Adom’s reaction was less virtuous than Sarah’s lie. He says “ it was given to me “Veachal” and I ate, in the present form. Rabbi Rize explains that he was reaction was too pedestrian for someone who had committed the first sin of mankind. This “honest” answer showed a lack of remorse and embarrassment about this serious avira. It was this nikudah that led Chazal to state that Adom is destine to eat from the Eitz Hadas again.
I hope to keep the above in mind the next time a talmid lies about his rule violation. Instead of viewing it as a total abandonment of our relationship I hope to see it for the virtuous act that it is – a testament to his udder embarrassment regarding the behavior.
And let’s pray these thought keep my buttons safe!
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