Presence by Presents

A few weeks ago I broke the 10,000 mile mark in my driving to the Torah Umesorah convention and I do not regret a single mile. It is hard to explain the excitement I feel when I first enter the convention center that hosts 1,500 educators. Living in far off Atlanta GA makes the scene even more impressive and inspiring.

One of the highlights of the convention is the opportunity to network with other mechanchim who are facing similar challenges and inquiring as to how they have been responding. This year our Rosh HaYeshiva asked me to investigate the best practices regarding encouraging bachurim to come to davening. Although we have moved our start time from 7:30am to 8:00am, there are still a significant number of students who have trouble attending on a consistent basis. The convention provides an opportunity to canvas similar Yeshivos and find out their approaches to this challenge. Here is a summary of my finding.

1. Daily detention – Students who miss shachris must spend the first break in a classroom with the Rebbe
2. Special shiur –A special shiur is given once a week to the Yeshiva on the importance of Teffila
3. Fines – Collect ten single dollars from students in the beginning of the year. When they miss remove one dollar from the envelop. After consistent attendance add the dollars back
4. Essay – When students miss a number of tephillos they must listen to a 45 minute shiur of their choice and write a one page essay on the shiur

The only commonality between these ideas was that not one was actually effective! It was quite amusing to watch the faces of the senior and expert Rabbeim when I asked them this question. Their smiles inverted and out came the age old Jewish sigh. Although I left the convention without a clear idea of how to handle this challenge, I did feel comforted that everyone else was in the same boat.

This past week our Menahel took his class on a senior trip and left yeshiva from Wednesday evening until Monday night. I did not count the number of students that took advantage of his not being there on Thursday morning for shachris, but there were many empty seats in the Bais Medrash. After a basic inventory I realized that although most shiurim had large numbers of missing students, my entire ninth grade was present!

As we sat down to learn I reflected on my recent trip to the convention and the frustration the Rabbeim felt trying to motivate our students to consistently come for davening. It was this sense of perspective that motivated me to spontaneously announce we would be going on a trip for fruit smoothies and for a stroll in the park. I explained how proud and impressed I was by their collective behavior and off we went.

We have not figured out how best to deal with the bachurim who missed davening that day, but the faces of my talmidim when I made this announcement revealed that I had stumbled upon a way to deal with those students who do come. They felt proud of their new identity as a class that takes davening seriously and I am confident this ounce of prevention will provide a pound of impact!

My good friend Rabbi Yechezkel Freundlich has begun a wonderful project of videoing short presentation on parenting based on the Parsha. This week (click here to view) he makes a point that is quite relevant to this discussion. He points out that many people are familiar with the Rashi that describes how exacting Hashem will be when He must punish Klal Yisrael. Rabbi Freundlich reminds us to look a few pesukim earlier where Rashi uses the exact same language with regard to rewarding the Jewish people. He reminds parents to put careful focus and thought into rewarding children for their good behavior and not just into their punishments.

Maybe at next year’s convention I should survey the mechanchim on how best to reward those students who consistently come to davening?

It’s Never Too Late for Firsts

As I near the milestone of a decade in the classroom, it has been some time since I have had the “first time” feelings that I had experienced so many times years ago. I vividly recall the first time I was able to provide support to a talmid who was going through a hard time. Even now I fondly recall the look on another talmid’s face when he achieved a high grade on a test he worked for. The less positive memories are still etched in my mind as well. How can I ever forget the first time a parent got upset with a decision I had made in the classroom?

This collection of memories of firsts fills my mind with a healthy mixture of wonderful experiences and learning opportunities. In recent, years it has become more rare for these experiences to take place. Between my previous experiences as a school counselor and the years I have been teaching, there are not many issues that I have not heard about or had personal experience with. Teaching has not become rote or boring, but that feeling of a new teacher has dissipated somewhat and I now have a new set of experiences that drive improvement and growth.

This week I was reminded of the sweet taste that a first can have. It started when I answered the phone in the teacher’s room. It was the parent of a student who has long since graduated from our Yeshiva. He was calling to talk with his son's old Rebbeim and share his experiences from a recent visit to his son's current Yeshiva.

Hearing this parent’s voice brought me back many years to when I first met his son. This wonderful young man came into my classroom with significant academic challenges. It was unclear to me how he graduated elementary school without an “elementary” (pun intended) ability to read and write. Even though I have taught students who had trouble reading Hebrew fluently, it is rare to find a student who could not read or write. In addition to these learning challenges, this particular student seemed to have a biological clock that had him getting his primary sleep between the hours of 9:30am and 11:30am - precisely during my Gemara class! In all honesty, I do not really recall any specific ingenious interventions that I did during that year to motivate or engage this student. I do recall celebrating his many talents and his exceptionally sharp mind.

A number of years have passed since I taught that class, and although I have occasionally seen this talmid, I was not aware of his exact academic development. That is what made this phone particularly meaningful. This father was calling to share the amazing report he had just received about his son’s progress in Yeshiva. This boy is now well into his bais medrash years and has distinguished himself as a superior "learner" in his Yeshiva. His rosh yeshiva said he is the “best in class” at the Yeshiva and feels he is ready to continue his studies in an extremely exclusive Yeshiva in Yerushlaim. Although I have had talmidim who had made significant strides in their personal life and learning since leaving my classroom this dramatic change is certainly a first. I wish I could say that I knew he had this potential, but in truth, it was not clear at all how he would develop. It was clear he had significant talent, but how that later would find a way to be expressed in a meaningful way was certainly ambiguous.

This "first" brought back the excitement that other "firsts" had brought me. It is a reminder to me about the limitless potential talmidim have and a rebbe’s essential role to help the talmidim find that potential. As a Rebbe I can never “write off” a talmid regardless of the academic challenges that seem to debilitate him. It is my heartfelt prayer that this first will become one of many similar experiences in the near future.

Sarcasm

I am considering starting a group called “Humans Against Sarcasm”, with the aim of banishing sarcasm from the world. Although I must admit that I unfortunately sometimes falter and utilize sarcasm, it doesn’t change my attitude towards it.

Sarcasm is like plaque on relationships. It sits and slowly erodes the areas of weakness that exist between people. In otherwise healthy relationships, sarcasm allows these weaknesses to be exacerbated, agitated and enlarged. And although some take pride in their wit and ability to share “smart” criticisms in guised words, this is distasteful and inconsistent with the refined behavior we strive towards.

Sarcasm allows a person to be disparaging without taking responsibly for their words. For instance, David walks into the room sports his new watch that he is quite proud of. Avi looks at it and says in an ever so mildly sarcastic tone “wow – what yard sale did you pick that thing up at?” When asked about his behavior, Avi will undoubtedly retort that he meant nothing by his comments; that he was just joking and it is not a big deal. Can any objective bystander buy this rationalization? In truth David got a new watch and Avi told him it looks like a piece of junk. Is this comment funny, or “no big deal”? Probably not to David but since Avi used a sarcastic tone these hurtful remarks become socially acceptable. Avi doesn’t have to take responsibly for his inconsiderate words.

Parental, spousal, and professional relationships can all be deleteriously impacted by the usage of sarcasm. Sarcasm can replace healthy and direct communication. Hiding behind the emotional curtain that sarcasm creates, albeit subconsciously, is destructive to marital bliss, effective parenting and lasting friendships.

For a teacher in the classroom the stakes are equally high.

All teachers would admit that put downs, name calling, and negativity should not be part of the communication toolbox of any educator. We have all learned through experience that positive (and assertive) communication is the most effective. As a teacher, when I use sarcasm with students (perhaps unknowingly), I am putting down and insulting my precious students. The tragic aspect of all this is that most often we are unaware of the impact of our behavior.

Here is a common example. After pre-teaching, teaching and reviewing a complex idea, the teacher gives a quiz (see Nov. 2010 Assessing Assessments) to assess how well the students understand the material. Upon discovering that a small group of students have yet to master the material, the teacher may say “How many times do I have to teach this?” or “I guess you guys have cotton in your ears.” When questioned, the teacher will reflect responsibility by saying “I didn’t say they weren’t smart”. But after thoughtful reflection I am sure the teacher would recognize that while the teacher didn’t say that, nonetheless, that is certainly what was communicated.

A few years ago, after reflecting of the destructive nature of sarcasm in the classroom I made a commitment to my class not to talk to them in that tone. To reinforce this goal I offered one dollar to any student who “caught” me using sarcasm in the classroom. Although this experiment did cost me some money I felt it taught the students (and myself) a lesson about talking nicely to each other. I am still working on this effort with mixed results but no longer offer a dollar for each infraction.

I try to be conscious of the significant power teachers possess in developing our students self esteem. Students look to us for reassurance that they are “good” and deserving of praise. Well meaning adults can unknowingly model this negative behavior and possibly undermine many positive interactions with one comment.

How to Talk So They Will Listen

After a few years as school counselor at an elementary school for grades k through 8^th, I noticed a pattern of similar situations that were regular occurrences year and after year. Some examples that come to mind are the never ending arguments about who and how the fields should be used during recess. There was never a perfect solution to the number of boys and girls of different ages who saw the same field as their personal soccer, baseball, football and kickball field simultaneously. I chuckled during a recent visit to the school in which I saw a chart in hall describing the complex pre-negotiated field usage for afternoon recess. Unfortunately, other regular issues were more painful and significant. A year did not pass without attempting to sooth the pain of children of divorce, advising victims of spiteful bullying and assisting students at the verge of expulsion. I must admit that for many of these perennial challenges, I was unable to find the elusive secret solution. Through research, advice seeking, and old fashion prayer I believe that we were able to find a way through these painful issues, sometimes even ending up better off because of it.

Amidst the confusion, there were a handful of issues that I was able to address effectively. One of the most common presenting problems that found its way to my office was trouble with friends. Although the language changed based on the gender and age of the children, students across grade levels had trouble getting along socially. It was often around the third grade that girls and boys would enter the world of social status, cliques and the painful feelings of being left out. From that point on it did not slow down. I found myself regularly giving classroom workshops and talking to pained parents and individuals about these challenges. Through some common sense and trial and error I developed three basic rules about talking to a classmate whose behavior is upsetting. At first I shared these rules in one on one meetings, and when it yielded success, I began sharing them with larger groups. These steps do not solve major social issues that exist in a class, but it does give the average student a “roadmap” for self advocacy in changing their situation. These rules are not about “getting even” or exacting equal and opposite pain, but work toward constructively getting a given behavior to change.

Here are the three simple rules:

1. The intervention must be done in private. Never speak to a person about change when others are around. In that environment they will become defensive and need to save face. In private they are more likely to actually listen to the content of the feedback.

2. The intervention must be a different time than the behavior took place. Correcting behavior at the moment of the transgression sets up a defensive posture and doesn’t allow for genuine reflection. Also, talking to a person some time after the event expresses a level of seriousness and a higher level of concern than a kneejerk comment.

3. When talking about the behavior use “I” statements that focus on the impact of the behavior on you personally. Do not use accusatory language that identifies the perpetrator as the focus. “I feel bad when you leave me out” is easier to accept than “You are so mean because you leave me out”.

When students followed these three rules they were pleasantly surprised by the results. Their peers actually listened to the feedback and even apologized for the behaviors. They appreciated being approached in such a respectful and sincere way that allowed both parties to share a genuine interaction about the behavior. These interactions often resulted in a positive for all parties. We found that essentially people like to be respected and do not like to cause pain to others. When not in public, in the heat of the moment or in attacking language – people are open to listening. On the rare occasion that the anticipated effect did not come about it was usually because one the rules was squirted, even if ever so slightly.

After some experimentation, the students and I found that teachers and parents are also “essentially people who like to be respected and do not like to cause pain to others”. When a student had a hard time with an assignment, if he or she would follow these rules and approach the teacher privately, not the day the project was due and talk about their hardship (and not how unfair the assignment was) teachers accommodated! If a child wanted a rule at home changed, he/she too had this secret formula at his/her disposable. All he/she had to do was follow these rule and change happened.

As teachers we can use the lessons of these rules in a number of ways. Most importantly, when redirecting students’ classroom behavior. Our students are also “essentially people who like to be respected and do not like to cause pain to others”. Students do not seem to really change behavior as a result of public embarrassment and redirection in the heat of the moment. Rather a later, private and sensitive conversation is the most effective approach. It takes discipline to hold back redirection when a student continuously talks in class. Talking with him or her at a later date about the effect of his/her talking on you and the other students is a worthwhile investment.

Now it is your turn. Think of student, friend, family member or co-worker who does a behavior that legitimately is hurtful to you. 1. Find a private place, 2. Make sure it is not in proximity of the last time the behavior was done and 3. Sincerely talk about why and how it hurts you. I can confidently assure you that you will find success. Let me know how it goes.

A Trip to Remember

There is perhaps no greater teacher than experience.

Almost any lesson taught by parents, school teachers, and books cannot compare to the lesson taught through the hard knocks of life. I have been blessed with my fare share of personal “learning opportunities” through missteps and mistakes.

It is with this in mind that I proudly share one my worst teaching days. This particular event took place four years ago but has not dimmed from my mind. Ironically, this difficult lesson came during a class trip that was celebrating an academic achievement. Generally speaking, I take my class of a trip every once in a while to accentuate a milestone in learning and to foster a positive social spirit within the class.

In the democratic spirit upon which this country was founded, I chose to allow the class to decide where they wanted to go. Here was the plan: each member of the class could nominate a destination within certain logistical and financial parameters. After the nominations were in, we would vote and narrow the ballot to three options. Of these three places, everyone could vote by putting the places in order of preference. We would go to the place that would bring the most joy to the most people. You may have guessed what happened by simply reading this ingenious plan.

It failed miserably!

No one seemed satisfied by the remaining choices. I am not sure what exactly went wrong but I remember driving this big van with everyone in a bitter argument about where we were off to (or more precisely where we were not off to!) Although the exact final destination is unclear in my mind I am sure that: (a) it was far away from school, (b) the activity cost money and (c) the activity was significantly more enjoyable than class work. All this did not seem to matter in the minds of my students. They were so focused on the places that did not get chosen that they could not appreciate any aspect of the trip. Every participant, teacher included, returned frustrated, emotionally drained, and in no way recharged to enter the classroom with new found vigor. The trip had the exact opposite effect than I had intended.

Future trips were not developed in such a democratic way. Generally, I decide where the trip is and keep it to myself until the last minute. Then I announce that everyone should just go the van for a surprise. Trips since that day are fun and definitely add camaraderie and excitement to the classroom environment.

For a while, I have wondered about this odd phenomenon. Why did giving the students more opportunity and choice make them less happy? Recently I came across a book by Harvard Professor Dan Gilbert that answers this question.

In Stumbling on Happiness (http://www.randomhouse.com/kvpa/gilbert/) Gilbert explains many surprising facts about what makes people happy. Among his many ideas he expresses the fact that human beings adapt to the realities life gives them.

He asks the following question;
“Here’s two different futures that I invite you to contemplate, and you can try to simulate them and tell me which one you think you might prefer. One of them is winning the lottery. This is about 314 million dollars. And the other is becoming paraplegic. So, just give it a moment of thought. You probably don't feel like you need a moment of thought.
Interestingly … the fact is that a year after losing the use of their legs, and a year after winning the lotto, lottery winners and paraplegics are equally happy with their lives.”

He brings study after study that indicates that we find happiness in the reality we are stuck with and not in the decisions that we have made. Remarkably, our ability to choose our destiny does not add to our happiness, in fact, it can deter happiness. Gilbert supports this with a study that found that people enjoy gifts that they get stuck with more than gifts they can exchange. Being stuck with a decision seems to allow the person to come to peace with the reality.

The lesson to take to the classroom is that although we are conditioned to think that more choices lead to more happiness it can have the opposite effect. In my case, giving the power to decide the location of the field trip made it a miserable one. There are many similar examples that can come up daily

You may attempt to learn the limitations of choice from Dr. Dan Gilbert’s book or this article but I have a feeling that the lesson will truly hit home on that unfortunate day that you misuse it in the classroom. Been there.

Please note: There are defiantly situations in which giving choices works positively. Many wonderful ways of using choices as a tool are dealt with in Jim Fay’s popular Love and Logic program http://www.loveandlogic.com/.

Look Who’s Talking (and Teaching!)

Last Friday I had to leave school thirty minutes early. Over the years I have developed my sense of worth to be able to withstand the positive reaction to announcements of my upcoming absence. Who doesn’t enjoy the break that a substitute brings to the normal routine and expectations? This is why I was so taken aback when a student reacted to my announcement that he was sad that I would not be teaching parsha. Then another talmid made the following statement with the confidence that only an adolescent can muster. “I have been a student for over ten years and have never had a parsha shuir that I have enjoyed as much as yours.”

Certainly such positive feedback is cause for reflection. I have never had such a strong reaction to any trip I planned, extra credit opportunity or complex explanation to a Talmudic dispute. I can also be safe in saying that the ideas that I share in this weekly parsha class do not represent deep and profound insights that come to me after hours of hard work and research. What then is the secret to the success of this class? Why was it so compelling that a student would actually miss having the experience?

When I first started teaching parsha I saw the goal of the instruction was to give the bachurim something they can say over at the shabbos table. The highest achievement would be for the listeners to be so impressed that they would associate me, the source of these pearls, with great torah scholarship and respect. In short time, these goals dissipated. I found most of these “choppy” divrei torah to be devoid of serous and meaningful messages for life. Around that time I started my deep relationship with the Alter of Slabodka’s sefer Ohr Hatzafon. I found his words to be simplistic but undeniably relevant. I began to adapt his life lessons into questions that relate to the personal experiences of the students. Before long I had a new format for this time.

The classroom was turned into a semi-circle with me in the middle. I distribute blank index cards and ask the bachurim to anonymously answer a few questions that touch upon a real life scenario or relevant moral dilemma. After they write their answers, I collect the cards and read the answers aloud. The students are instructed not to comment or inquire about the author of the replies. After reflecting on the collective thinking, I respond with a simple insight about the issue from the Parsha (often the Alter’s take in Ohr Haztofon). Hardly fodder for an impressive shabbos table speech.

The primary feature of this class is not anything I say, but rather what the students say. Allowing teenagers a format for expressing their views about meaningful topics is empowering. As adolescents struggle to find themselves and their own voice as adults, they thrive when expressing this new personality and resolve. These parsha classes provide a powerful opportunity for them to be respected for their new found sense of right and wrong. Without sounding sacrilegious, the success of this class does not reflect the power or relevance of the Torah messages, but rather the format in which these discussions take place. In the end however, I find that after our discussion about the topic in which the students have been able to explore both sides of the issue, the students are more impressed and accepting of the message being taught from the parsha.

Not every lesson allows for these opportunities of expression that parsha does, but whenever possible, allowing teenagers to speak their minds may allow the teacher to more effectively speak his.

Assessing Assessments

Warning: Be ready to answer a few questions about this article when it is over.

From time immemorial, teachers have been accused of being out of touch with the trials and tribulations of studenthood. Truth be told, many teachers have been out of the classroom for decades and as the divide grows, so does the list of rules and regulations that students must adhere to. Empathetic teachers respond to the outcries of students by reconsidering these policies. However, they often find it challenging to discern between genuine feedback and, without being over-simplistic, whining!

There is another way for teachers to stay in touch with the challenges of student life – become one. Of the myriad benefits of formal continued education such experiences allow the teacher to remember times long gone. Teacher-students are given an opportunity to grapple with some basic pedagogical questions. How long can one comfortably sit and listen to frontal lecture? How celebrated is an activity that requires your active participation? How easy is it to give your mind over to nonsense texting and/or internet surfing?

Over the past two years, I have been blessed with such an opportunity in the most extreme form. As part of an educator’s fellowship, I spent two full weeks in class from early morning until evening. Sitting in class all day gave me first hand opportunity to reminisce of the many years I spent as a student. Of the many lessons that I gleaned from that time, there is one particle practice that has had a dramatic impact on my teaching. That is the power of regular assessments.

One of the presenters at the program had a habit of stopping every once in a while and asking the group a number of basic question on what we had studied. These questions have had such a positive impact on my learning that I have slowly introduced them into my classroom and have found them to be very helpful.

This practice has evolved to be a regular part of a lesson. After a presentation, I distribute blank index cards and write five questions on the board. The questions should represent a range of difficulty and a sampling of the material covered on that day. After the students have answered the questions, I go over each question and answer any specific questions raised by the students. The students mark and grade the cards themselves and then pass them up to me. This data is not used in assessing the report card grade.

Here are some of the benefits of having regular mini-assessments:

Active participation – Anything a teacher can do to personally involve all students in the learning will enhance the student’s experience. These assessments engage every student in an active and personal way. Every student takes the assessment and every student hands it in.

Practice makes perfect – Answering these questions serves as a way to practice what has been learned. More immediate practice will help the information stay with the students longer.

Motivation – Knowing that they will be asked questions at the end of the presentation motivates some students to pay better attention. Even though the grade doesn’t “count” towards the final grade, most student want to make a good impression.

Check for understanding – This feedback gives the students and teacher immediate feedback about how the lesson was absorbed by the students. If there is a part of the lesson that needs to be retaught or clarified, the teacher is made aware of this and can address the issue either individually or for the entire class.

Data driven decisions – Having regular data about the student’s achievement in class gives the teacher a tremendous amount of data on which to base decision, about individual and class progress and needs. A teacher can easily identify changes in a specific student’s achievement and inquire as to the cause. The teacher can also see class trends and hwo the presentation style may impact achievement.

In addition to my positive anecdotal experience with increasing assessments, I have recently come across research data that supports its significant value. Robert Marzano (The Art and Science of Teaching page 13) brings a study by Bangrt-Drowns, Kulik, &Kilik, 1991, that found that the more assessments that take place within a given 15 weeks increases achievement by up to 30%. In light of the few benefits I gave outlined here, these findings are not surprising.

Please answer these questions without looking back.

1. List three benefits of giving regular assessments?
2. How do assessments affect motivation?
3. Which benefit resonated most with you and why?
4. What impact, if any, has your answering these questions had on your learning of the information?

Personality Match

Over the summer we were blessed with a new addition to our family. Shalom Uri was born about three weeks before the start of school. Having a baby during the summer vacation is exponentially more convenient than any other time. One does not feel the pressure of being torn between the needs of family and students. When the school year actually began, I found myself simultaneously getting to know our new son and a new class. I have found some remarkable similarities in both these experiences.

Within the first few days and weeks that we have brought a new baby home, my wife began to share aspects of his personality. Is he easy going or more particular? Is he more sensitive? Does he seem alert and aware of his world? While many of these predictions do actualize over the next few years, a unique personality beings to blossom from the very beginning. By the time a child is two or three we are all aware of the unique aspects of the child’s interaction with the world. Each child has his/her own unique style, along with strengths and challenges. These identifying characteristics with probably stay with each person for the rest of their lives.

There is no easy way to explain why a particular family will have a child with a particular personality. There are times in which some traits can be traced back through generations, but there are also times when there is no explanation for a behavior or attitude. I like to believe that parents would not be given a challenge that they cannot handle. There can be very difficult children but some way parents can learn how to respond best. Obviously there are exceptions, but generally speaking parents must feel that they are capable to raise each child “according to his way”. To put in spiritual terms – there is Hashgacha that brings children and parents together. Somehow this is also an expression of the Hand of G-d.

Every group has its own unique dynamic. Dr. Irvin Yalom and many other psychiatrists have studied the personality of groups. Just has individual personality are the mosaic of many specific elements within each person a group follows the same model. Each group has a unique mosaic of personalities that plays into the development of the culture of the group. This culture can be detected early on. It is not uncommon for me to discuss a 9^th grade class with that class's kindergarten teacher and find that not too much has changed since kindergarten.

As the school year marches on, I begin to learn about the unique personality of my class. In the role of rebbe, I try to mimic my view as a parent and find the strengths in the class personality. As parents we hope to recognize strength and acknowledge challenge in order to properly parent. As a rebbe, we follow a similar approach and embrace the strengths while seeking to improve areas of difficulty that a class may possess. Having clarity in this area will give the rebbe a frame of reference for many of the experiences he will encounter during the year. In the end, as in every area of life, we accept the hand of Hashem and see each biological and spiritual child as an opportunity for personal growth.

School Savior

How much impact does a school really have on the development of a child? Is the life of my child different because he goes to one school or another? Certainly as an educator I believe the answers to these questions are clear but never did I see the impact of a school more than this past year.

First a bit of history:

My oldest son, Yaakov, was a very happy baby. He seemed to always be laughing and smiling. One time while he was sleeping we heard odd sounds from his crib and upon further inspection found him laughing in his sleep. After that stage he became a major talker and would engage anyone willing to talk with him. We were thrilled with his progress and excited for his future

Then he began school.

From the time he started until first grade, there was a slow progression of dysfunction. It started with a strong desire to stay home and when his pleas stopped being effective, he began developing unexplained physical issues. At this time he began chewing his clothes. At first it was just the bottom of his sleeve, but it slowly developed to a point when he would return from school with his entire shirt drenched in saliva! He began acting out when he was with his friends and was becoming a class clown. On field trips he was “paired” with students who had significant developmental delays. In retrospect these signs of distress are abundantly clear, but as it happened, it was harder to see how much difficulty he was having. At my wife’s suggestion, we took Yaakov to a psychologist for a full round of educational testing.

The results were life altering.

Dr. Lori Wilson found that Yaakov had an IQ that was shocking. His scores put him in 99.7th percentile in intellectual abilities for children in his age range. She also found that he had significant weaknesses in performance tests. In many areas, there was a 40 point differential between his IQ and performance scores (in his reading ability, there was actually a 70 point differential!) These results indicated a significant learning disorder, specifically in the area of reading. In other words, he was dyslexic. She suggested a number of options. I remember leaving her office with mixed emotions. On one hand we found out that our child had an IQ that was off the charts but at the same time he was now labeled as dyslexic. What does that mean? What happens to child with dyslexia? Would he have to leave our Jewish school? After reflection, professional consultation and rabbinic direction, we signed our son up to enter The Schenck School, a local private school for dyslexics.

This changed our son Yaakov’s life.

His new school celebrated his strengths and assisted him with his weaknesses. Over the next three years, a metamorphosis took place. He went from a timid, scared and insecure person to a confident, engaged and capable learner. His reading test scores went from being in the 2^nd percentile to the 98^th! Slowly he stopped chewing his shirt and he reengaged his old friends in a normal and healthy way. I shutter when I think of what would have happened to him if we would have kept him where he was. Who can imagine what ways (both consciously and otherwise) he would have found to compensate for the immense pain he would have experienced? How could we have ever built a solid Judaic identity on such a faulty emotional foundation?

We learned so much from this experience.

We learned about the profound impact of a learning disability. We learned how important it is to detect and intervene on behalf of a child struggling. We learned what a major difference a good school and teacher can have on a child. We learned that, in our case, Yaakov’s positive self concept translated into a positive and strong Jewish identity. Most of all, we are beginning to learn Yaakov’s wonderful potential in every area of life. Taking the difficult step of switching him from the comfortable Torah Day School to The Schenck School has helped Yaakov blossom into a young man with great dreams and the confidence to pursue those dreams.

For us a school had made quite a difference – it was a personal savior!

The Memory Factory

It is hard to believe we are almost there. The school year’s end is upon us and the finish line is rapidly approaching. Both teachers and students are filled with the bittersweet feelings of anticipating the freedom summer brings while leaving the friendly classroom environment with the uncertainty of what next year’s class will bring. As a Rebbe, the end of the year is an extremely important time that requires thought and planning.

Recently, I viewed a lecture by Nobel Prize winning professor Dr. Daniel Kahneman regarding the role of memory on our feelings about an event or place. His studies have demonstrated that a person's positive or negative associations with a previous experience relates directly to how they remember the experience, not the reality of the positive or negative occurrences during that experience. A classic example would be to imagine a situation in which a person spent an amazing summer in Paris. They stayed in the most wonderful hotels, ate in the best restaurants and saw the magnificent sites. Unfortunately, as they were walking home one night they were mugged and their passport was stolen. It was quite scary and a pain to find the US consulate to replace it. How do you think they will remember the trip ten years later, positively or negatively? One could easily imagine that although the trip was filled with many positive aspects, all that will remain of the trip would be that one memory of terror and fear. This memory has defined the trip as a bad one.

What defines our perception of life experiences is how we remember them, not the reality of what has taken place. How does your average Jewish male feel about his bris? Most of us do not have any feelings about this painful and momentous day. This is because we have no working memory of it. It is our memory of the event, not the event itself, which matters most.

Dr. Kahneman brings a study that was run in the 1990’s in which two patients underwent a painful medical procedure. The participants were asked to report on their pain every 60 seconds. The two patients had similar procedures but patient A’s was a shorter and less involved procedure and he reported less pain every 60 seconds during the procedure itself. The surprise was that patient A had a mush worse memory of the procedure than Patient B. The reason was that although A had an easier experience it ended in more pain than patient B did. It was the level of pain at the end of the procedure that defined experience most. "Endings are very, very important and in this case, the ending dominated the memory."

Here is a link to the lecture;

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/daniel_kahneman_the_riddle_of_experience_vs_memory.html

This information is quite important for a Rebbe as the year ends. Regardless of the success or challenges a talmid has throughout the year, if the Rebbe can find a way to highlight the positive experiences in the talmid’s memory, which will define the year. More important than the specific grades and achievements that a Talmid has throughout the school year is the way he perceives the year. My aim is for my Talmidim to walk away from the year energized and positive about their academic ability, with enthusiasm for learning and for the Yeshiva experience. To this end, I attempt to find ways to focus their thinking on very specific and positive memories. I do this in primarily two ways.

1. We have an end of year final in which we review each page of Gemara we covered. After we review the amud we write up approximately ten facts that they must memorize. Throughout the weeks in which this review is taking place, we review multiple times. By the end the boys have close to 10 basic facts about the mesechta that they have committed to memory and take a final with over fifty questions. We focus on the importance of this review and the magnitude of the number of facts and information each talmid has. So far every talmid has risen to the occasion and succeeded on this defining test. My hope is that this huge sense of success will overshadow any less positive academic memories from the year.

2. My class sizes are generally under ten and therefore I am able to write a short paragraph to each talmid about how much I appreciate them and highlight some of their accomplishments and talents. These notes are given inside a small Tehilim. This note serves a number of important purposes. Among them is the ability to solidify the talmid’s memory of their rebbe in a positive light. My hope is that they will remember the positive words of encouragement and associate them with our relationship for the future.

These are two of the ways I attempt to focus my talmidim on the positive aspects of the year and hope that as they move on in their education this positive energy will define the experience.

A Simple Equation

If I had to list the five most talked about subjects at the Torah Umesorah convention over the past years there is little doubt that cell phone use in Yeshivos would rank. I am exhausted by the energy and thought that has gone into this subject but the issue will just not go away. At this past convention, the topic was brought up again and again. Can a Yeshiva permanently confiscate a cell phone that is found? Can a mechanech look at text messages on a phone? Can a school make a rule forbidding the bringing of a phone when parents perceive the need as an issue of safety? These are just a sampling of the questions raised about this wireless wonder.

I had a number of personal conversations at this year’s convention that have me thinking.

Thursday Night

It started Thursday night with a very rational question raised by a mechanach who is starting a new Yeshiva. He asked me about our policy and was quite surprised when I explained that although we have a rule that forbids phone - many bachurim have them. "Aren’t you being mechanech them to break the rules if you have made a rule you know they are breaking and have no way to really enforce?" I reflected for a moment about this valid point and moved on to the next conversation.

Friday Morning

With this question still on my mind, I found my next conversation about this on Friday morning. I met an expert mechanech who runs a nontraditional out-of-town Yeshiva. His response shocked me. “I require ever bachor to have a cell phone – how else will I know where they are if I need them?” That was quite a different perspective. Is it possible to have a yeshiva with such a policy?

Shabbos Morning

Shabbos morning after davening I had a chance encounter with an assistant menahel from a well known Yeshiva who has a similar policy. He explained that he could not make a rule that he knew would be broken so blatantly. This yeshiva allows phone and even iPods but requires that the bachurim do not watch movies on the iPod. His response to the obvious question regarding the breaking of this rule was that he was confident that most bachurim did not have movies on their ipods. He also shared that when he returns to yeshiva he will work on keeping phones off when in the Bais Medrash or shiur. I respect his creative attempt at this and his deep seated desire to trust his bachurim.

This interaction reminded me of an idea that Rav Simcha Cook of Mechinas Ner Yisreal shared with me years ago. It turns out he is a prophet in addition to being an excellent mechanech. Every rule sets up a “dune” that slows the issue being addressed. This would be a classic example. If a yeshiva has a rule forbidding cell phones, even if there are many bachurim breaking the rule, it keeps all phones out of sight, limits the usage of the cell phones to private moments and places, and allows the rule followers good reason to avoid the cell phone. When a Yeshiva allows cell phones, even in a limited way, they show up everywhere, even in the bais medrash. When making any rules one must assume that it will be broken but the rule will mitigate the behavior of those breaking it none-the-less.

Motzei Shabbos

On Motzei Shabbos, I introduced myself to a well known Menahel of a major, main-stream Yeshiva . He shared with me a practice he used in his Yeshiva. He had many phone lines installed in his dorm as he began to enforce the cell phone rules more vigilantly. He felt that the expense of the many phones and lines was worth it, as he gave the bachurim opportunity to use the phones, in place of their soon-to-be confiscated cell phones. Although I am not sure how much practical impact this effort had on cell phone use, this approach shows respect and empathy for the bachurim.

Sunday Morning

My last encounter with this issue took place Sunday morning. A menahel was giving a talk about interacting with teenagers. He stressed how important giving the teenagers a sense of trust is. When asked about the use of cell phones, he responded that his yeshiva allows “kosher” cell phones in the dorm but not in the main Yeshiva building. He did not think this policy was destroying the yeshiva.

I left the convention unsure of many things.

Here are things I am pretty confident of:

1. Cell phones are part of the life of a modern teenager. It can be compared to a wristwatch of ancient (15 years ago) times

2. A high percentage of bachurim break the electronics rules at some point.

3. There is no real way to enforce rules against the use of cell phones and iPods on any regular basis.

4. Cell phones and iPods with web access can totally undermine serious growth in Torah and Yiras Shamayim.

So now the simple equation –

What does one plus two plus three plus four equal?

TU Convention Recollections 5770

Here are a number of recollections from the convention, anything you have a hard time believing didn’t happen… I must be recalling incorrectly.

Rabbi Frand gave two drashos, one on erev Shabbos about what it takes to be a great teacher and another on Shabbos afternoon about honesty. They were both memorable speeches. The speech on Shabbos afternoon was significant because although the conference theme was Raising Erlecha Yidin, there were few drashos directly on that theme. Rabbi Frand talked about the importance of honesty and how dishonesty has become part of our daily living to the point that we don’t even recognize it at times. He told a humorous story of two meshulachim in Baltimore, one was having trouble getting money from a specific gveer. The meshulach that had been more successful said he would tell the secret to getting money if the meshulach gave him 1/3 of the money he received. After they agreed he was told the key to the gveer’s heart. “Tell him your grandparents were from a specific city in Europe”. And so it was. He was happy to share 1/3 of the “profits” and they went different ways. The next year they both returned to the city and once again the meshulach employed his new trick and received a handsome donation but his year he refused to share any part of it. He claimed that the agreement was only for one year. When they couldn’t resolve the conflict they did what any decent Yid would do…they went to the Baltimore Bais Din of Rabbi Moshe Heineman. He was shocked at their blatant dishonesty and pointed out their need to return the money to the gveer calling them Gazlanim. Rabbi Frand reminded the crowd to be sensitive to the dishonesty that has become common place to the point that we cannot see it.
In continuing the theme of honesty there were two other discussions that related to this topic that come to mind.

At the “Ask the Godal” session on Thursday night a question was asked regarding the reading of text messages on a cell phone that has been confiscated. Rav Shmuel Kamenetzky and Rav Avraham Chaim Levine both strongly discouraged such behavior. They said that although in situations of great need perhaps it could be allowed but as a general practice it should be avoided. Rav Ahron Feldman stated that he had talked to Rav Eliyashiv about this very topic and he stated clearly that a mechanech can check the messages.

Another similar question was asked at the Motzie Shabbos session with Rav Avraham Chaim Levine. Can a menahel lie about a Talmid in order to get him into a Yeshiva? Once again Rav Levine said that one should avoid doing such because you do not want others to do it to you and you will lose credibility. After a discussion from the crowd, Rav Strauss of Lakewood NJ (who does placement) said that when he went to Rav Shtienman he was told that he can lie if he is confident that the bachor will succeed in the new Yeshiva. He also added that if it was a question he can lie because it is considered safek nefashos. Rabbi Strauss was very clear that he is always honest because he knows he must be to be taken seriously.

Another interesting question that was asked on Thursday night was regarding a Morah who has a big family and comes late to class. Can/should the menahel deduct money from her much needed salary. The reaction of the gedolim was swift and strong. Rav Shmuel said that after explaining the expectation to come on time such a teacher should be let go. Rav Feldman added that it could even be done mid-year. He quoted a story with a godal in Eretz Yisrael who when asked how a Rebbe who was let go would have money for food responded “I understand he needs money to eat bread but we do not have to let him eat children instead!”

Modern (Non-) Judaism

Our Yeshiva has a group of students who participated in a JCC sponsored basketball league. Their team made the championship and many members of the Yeshiva went to the final game to cheer them on. The competition was quite good and our players were rattled by their speed and skill. It was a close and competitive game until our team started to get called on travelling and fouls. Although no official count was made it seemed that more penalties were called on the team which sported Yarmulkas and Tzitzis. The second half slowly tipped toward to other team and we eventually lost the game. Complaining about the referees was not surprising, as such behavior is expected from any teenager (or adult children) who loses a game with a lot of such calls by the referee. What surprised me was the sentiment that it was anti-Semitism which motivated the poor calls. Although the majority of players accepted the loss with valor, there was an undercurrent of attitude from some that the officials objected more to their faith than to their walking while carrying the ball. Leaving aside the fact this game was played in the JCC, where one would assume both teams are Jewish and equally subject to bias, this response is worthy of consideration.

It is not hard to find how such a predisposition has developed. The Jewish people have suffered anti- Semitism from before that word was crafted. Every child is taught about the painful history of oppression we have suffered. Additionally, there are a number of Chazals that focus on the continual threat of anti-Semitism. On the seder night as we recall our suffering at the hands of the Egyptians. We say, “in every generation, they will stand up to destroy us but You will save us from their hands”. Any basic Chumash lesson will focus on the eternal hatred that Aisav has for Yaakov. These, and many other words of Chazel, set up a culture aimed at viewing the Non-Jew as suspect at best, and even outright criminal in some cases.

We can find a similar trend in our contemporary news. It is rare to read about an Orthodox criminal who takes full responsibility for the crime and punishment they have been convicted of. Even when those facts are given the thrust of Orthodox Jewish press seems to focus more on the aspects of the case which are seen as unfair, and not on the elements of guilt and remorse. This can be seen starting with the case of Jonathon Pollard whose unprecedented prison term has been explained as blatant anti-Semitism. Over the years the only aspect of Mr. Pollard’s case I have encountered has been regarding the “unfair system” and “anti-Semitism” that surrounds his case. The recent case of Sholom Rubashkin is probably too sensitive an issue to highlight but it seems to follow a similar trend, in which a life sentence has been sought, has also been pinned as anti-Semitism. These are two of the more notorious examples but there are many more that follow a similar pattern. I am not assessing whether the allegations of anti-Semitism are true and to what extent, I am simply pointing out the messages these cases convey. The message of these news stories are that anti-Semitism is alive, well, and part of the establishment.

There is no doubt that anti-Semitism exists. On numerous occasions I have personally had the unpleasant experience of being screamed at while walking home from shul. We can none-the-less overlook the unique status of Jews in our modern world. The Jewish people have freedoms that are unprecedented in world history. There was perhaps no greater demonstration of this than the close election that took place in 2000 in which a publicly Orthodox Jew was nearly elected to the second highest office in United States of America!

The question that needs to be addressed is what message should we be communicating to our children? Should our message be impacted as a result of our modern predicament? Are we communicating a overly strong sense of fear and similarly an assumption that the average non-Jew has an intrinsic hatred of us? Was the reaction of our basketball team an indication that we may need to refocus our message and attitudes regarding Non-Jews in the modern world?

Like many similar questions there is no clear answer but the conversation itself may lead us closer to the proper approach.

Sparks of Greatness

We are now in the post-Pesach final stretch. By this point in the year, relationships are built, classroom rules are well-greased and the students should be in a prime position to learn. I enjoy this time of year very much.

A mechanech in a Modern Orthodox Yeshiva High School just told me a story about one of his talmidim. This high school talmid walked into class after Pesach like every other student. While some students talked about trips to out-of-town family and stays in fancy hotels, this student simply stated that he was home with his family.

Later the true story came out.

This teenage child found out right before Pesach that his mother was quite ill and had to go away for treatments leaving him alone with his father, special needs brother and other younger siblings. This family is new to Orthodox Judaism and was not sure how to approach Yom Tov. Who would clean the house? Who would cook for the sedarim, ect…? Although his mother was going to be released from the hospital in time to be home for Pesach, she would be in no condition to help with preparation. His father was busy at work and was also not able to make adjustments to be home. Perhaps they would “skip” Pesach and make do with minimum cleaning and a takeout seder. This young man wanted Pesach to be Pesach and took the preparations upon himself. He cleaned the entire house and cooked for the family. Although these jobs are usually shouldered by a team of adults, children and, often times, paid help, this young man did it all himself because he wanted his family to experience Pesach. When I heard this story I was touch in heart and mind.

In my heart I ask what does this say about this very young person’s commitment to mitzvos? Many children would follow the circumstances and rely on the adults to make

Pesach, but this young man was willing to take on such a difficult task in order to have Yom Tov. How impressed I am by these quiet acts of greatness, most of which we never know about. How lucky is this boy’s Rebbe who can build on this solid foundation of commitment to Torah!

My mind finds it amazing to think that he sits in his class with everyone else. As a teacher we would never know what is going on at home. All the while he had a sickly mother, stressed-out father, special needs sibling and Pesach coming quick, but he came to school, took tests and interacted with friends. What else could be going on? What other students are overcoming challenges, scared or worried about family?

This story is just one of many similar ones which take place on a regular basis in any school. If we look with a careful eye we can see these sparks of greatness.

Don’t walk in front of me…I may not follow

Recently, Rabbi Yisrael Reissman visited our community. During a speech, he quoted a Chazal regarding Mordechai to demonstrate the reality of leadership. The Chazal stated “Mordechai was accepted by most of his brothers”. By definition, Mordechai taking the position of leader made him only acceptable to most of the people. It would be impossible to be embraced by all.

It is well known what the Bais Halievi is reported to have said regarding a shul Rav- any Rav who the people don't want to throw out is not successful, but any Rav who they actually throw out is not a mentsch. I have often wondered what it is about leadership that causes such friction. Why must a leader accept this fate?

Here is where my thinking has brought me:

Any person who is in a position of making substantive decisions that affect many people, is going to cause friction. Leaders must weigh a number of complex factors that do not have clear black and white answers. When we make these decisions for ourselves we can accept the outcome because we have chartered our own course. But when someone else makes the choice for us, it is often difficult to focus on the entire equation and much easier to see the negative side.

The challenge of accepting another person’s leadership is difficult in any aspect of life, whether the environment is one of a family, workplace, or community system. There seem to be some specific factors that exist in an educational environment that can be particularly challenging. This is due to unique aspects that come into play for teachers in a school situation. These factors may include:

1. Educational decisions are often ambiguous. The best way for a teacher to deal with academic or behavior challenges is never clear. Often the impact of these decisions cannot be seen for years. Decisions regarding dress codes, suspensions, curriculum, expulsions and class changes are never simple and they always involve many people, values and implications.
2. Teachers are accustomed to a significant amount of autonomy. Every teacher’s classroom is his kingdom. Teachers get used to the control that comes with that environment. It is especially hard to embrace directives that encroach on that autonomy.
3. The roles of teachers are integrated into daily life. Many teachers have their own children in the classroom or a neighbor’s classroom, and the directives of the leader impact them quite personally. In some communities the teachers also feel that they reflect the school and serve as community ambassadors. The complex roles can make school policies more difficult to defend and support.

Like many challenges in life, the first step in dealing with them is to recognize that the issue exists. When the parties appreciate the inherit difficulty in accepting leadership directives they can begin to avoid quick and emotional negativity that corrodes any environment.

Here are some thoughts that may help mitigate the negativity:

1. Leaders are paid to lead and take the responsibility for their leadership. As a teacher you are not responsible for the outcomes of poor decision making. There is no need to take ownership of every decision made. A person will feel much more comfortable by letting go of this burden which is not his.
2. No leader is perfect. We do not have to look further than Moshe Rabbienu to see a leader who had faults and whose constituency questioned his authority. This is par for the course of leaders and the led. If teachers expect leaders to be super human and flawless then disappointment will be quick in coming.
3. Keep in mind the complexity of the issues being decided and appreciate that intelligent, well- meaning and competent people can easily see the other sides of the issue.
4. One final thing to consider is the very real possibility that you are not privy to all of the information involved in the decision. Often there can be additional sensitive information that only the leader is fully aware of. The knowledge of this information can explain much but for any number of reasons it may be never known to you.

Wise leaders will attempt to create responsive environment in which teachers feel that they have partners in many decisions. To the extent that this doesn’t exist, being a positive and supportive person is a better life policy than a critical one. Chazal have already emphasized this is the directive of being an “Aiyen Tov”. People with “good eyes” are able to discern the complexity of many issues and are able to avoid the pit of negativity and criticism that erodes work environments, relationships, and a schools' abilities to effectively teach torah.

Summer Sabbatical

We are well passed the half-way mark of the school year and day dreams of summer time have begun. There are some who advocate for a full year of school. At the past Torah Umesorah Convention’s “Ask the Gadol” session on Thursday night, a question was raised regarding our current summer break. It seemed to be unanimous amongst the Gedolim that our school year should be lengthened with breaks interspersed throughout the school year. Different cultures have different systems regarding the school year and I have not done any extensive research about this topic. Some Gedolim feel the break is unnecessary and students can produce more with more time in Yeshiva.

Regardless of the ideal school year size, current teachers are faced with a two month opportunity each year. There was a custom years ago for teachers to take a sabbatical after 7 years of teaching. The concept is that teaching is a very taxing and emotionally draining profession. Taking a year off allows the teacher to re-energize and explore an area of interest, so he can return to the profession with vigor, energy and emotional resolve. For a number of reasons, this custom is no longer practiced. However, the summer still provides teachers (and students) with a small taste of a sabbatical where similar rejuvenation can take place.

Unfortunately, most Rebbeim need to monetize these months by taking jobs in camps or other educational environments. This reality can impede the therapeutic nature of this time. I have been fortunate enough to have found summer opportunities that provide both emotional and financial substance.

For aspiring teachers, pulpit rabbis and community kollel members, these summers are invaluable. The summer provides the opportunity to try out the waters in various positions before making the serious commitment of a full time job. When I started out, I was unsure which aspect of “kli kodesh” I was meant for. I had the good fortune of tasting community kollel life by participating on a seed-type summer experience with Rabbi David Forman in Palo Alto California. I was also able to try out being a pulpit Rabbi in Sharon, Massachusetts and an elementary school rebbe at TA camp in Baltimore. These summers gave me real life experience in different areas, so when opportunities have come up, I have had a better idea of what kind of job I would appreciate.

I still look to summer for enrichment and growth. Summertime is a gift. With planning and Hashem’s help, one can find the time to make it a small sabbatical. Refreshing, rewarding and rejuvenating.