How to Talk So They Will Listen

After a few years as school counselor at an elementary school for grades k through 8^th, I noticed a pattern of similar situations that were regular occurrences year and after year. Some examples that come to mind are the never ending arguments about who and how the fields should be used during recess. There was never a perfect solution to the number of boys and girls of different ages who saw the same field as their personal soccer, baseball, football and kickball field simultaneously. I chuckled during a recent visit to the school in which I saw a chart in hall describing the complex pre-negotiated field usage for afternoon recess. Unfortunately, other regular issues were more painful and significant. A year did not pass without attempting to sooth the pain of children of divorce, advising victims of spiteful bullying and assisting students at the verge of expulsion. I must admit that for many of these perennial challenges, I was unable to find the elusive secret solution. Through research, advice seeking, and old fashion prayer I believe that we were able to find a way through these painful issues, sometimes even ending up better off because of it.

Amidst the confusion, there were a handful of issues that I was able to address effectively. One of the most common presenting problems that found its way to my office was trouble with friends. Although the language changed based on the gender and age of the children, students across grade levels had trouble getting along socially. It was often around the third grade that girls and boys would enter the world of social status, cliques and the painful feelings of being left out. From that point on it did not slow down. I found myself regularly giving classroom workshops and talking to pained parents and individuals about these challenges. Through some common sense and trial and error I developed three basic rules about talking to a classmate whose behavior is upsetting. At first I shared these rules in one on one meetings, and when it yielded success, I began sharing them with larger groups. These steps do not solve major social issues that exist in a class, but it does give the average student a “roadmap” for self advocacy in changing their situation. These rules are not about “getting even” or exacting equal and opposite pain, but work toward constructively getting a given behavior to change.

Here are the three simple rules:

1. The intervention must be done in private. Never speak to a person about change when others are around. In that environment they will become defensive and need to save face. In private they are more likely to actually listen to the content of the feedback.

2. The intervention must be a different time than the behavior took place. Correcting behavior at the moment of the transgression sets up a defensive posture and doesn’t allow for genuine reflection. Also, talking to a person some time after the event expresses a level of seriousness and a higher level of concern than a kneejerk comment.

3. When talking about the behavior use “I” statements that focus on the impact of the behavior on you personally. Do not use accusatory language that identifies the perpetrator as the focus. “I feel bad when you leave me out” is easier to accept than “You are so mean because you leave me out”.

When students followed these three rules they were pleasantly surprised by the results. Their peers actually listened to the feedback and even apologized for the behaviors. They appreciated being approached in such a respectful and sincere way that allowed both parties to share a genuine interaction about the behavior. These interactions often resulted in a positive for all parties. We found that essentially people like to be respected and do not like to cause pain to others. When not in public, in the heat of the moment or in attacking language – people are open to listening. On the rare occasion that the anticipated effect did not come about it was usually because one the rules was squirted, even if ever so slightly.

After some experimentation, the students and I found that teachers and parents are also “essentially people who like to be respected and do not like to cause pain to others”. When a student had a hard time with an assignment, if he or she would follow these rules and approach the teacher privately, not the day the project was due and talk about their hardship (and not how unfair the assignment was) teachers accommodated! If a child wanted a rule at home changed, he/she too had this secret formula at his/her disposable. All he/she had to do was follow these rule and change happened.

As teachers we can use the lessons of these rules in a number of ways. Most importantly, when redirecting students’ classroom behavior. Our students are also “essentially people who like to be respected and do not like to cause pain to others”. Students do not seem to really change behavior as a result of public embarrassment and redirection in the heat of the moment. Rather a later, private and sensitive conversation is the most effective approach. It takes discipline to hold back redirection when a student continuously talks in class. Talking with him or her at a later date about the effect of his/her talking on you and the other students is a worthwhile investment.

Now it is your turn. Think of student, friend, family member or co-worker who does a behavior that legitimately is hurtful to you. 1. Find a private place, 2. Make sure it is not in proximity of the last time the behavior was done and 3. Sincerely talk about why and how it hurts you. I can confidently assure you that you will find success. Let me know how it goes.

A Trip to Remember

There is perhaps no greater teacher than experience.

Almost any lesson taught by parents, school teachers, and books cannot compare to the lesson taught through the hard knocks of life. I have been blessed with my fare share of personal “learning opportunities” through missteps and mistakes.

It is with this in mind that I proudly share one my worst teaching days. This particular event took place four years ago but has not dimmed from my mind. Ironically, this difficult lesson came during a class trip that was celebrating an academic achievement. Generally speaking, I take my class of a trip every once in a while to accentuate a milestone in learning and to foster a positive social spirit within the class.

In the democratic spirit upon which this country was founded, I chose to allow the class to decide where they wanted to go. Here was the plan: each member of the class could nominate a destination within certain logistical and financial parameters. After the nominations were in, we would vote and narrow the ballot to three options. Of these three places, everyone could vote by putting the places in order of preference. We would go to the place that would bring the most joy to the most people. You may have guessed what happened by simply reading this ingenious plan.

It failed miserably!

No one seemed satisfied by the remaining choices. I am not sure what exactly went wrong but I remember driving this big van with everyone in a bitter argument about where we were off to (or more precisely where we were not off to!) Although the exact final destination is unclear in my mind I am sure that: (a) it was far away from school, (b) the activity cost money and (c) the activity was significantly more enjoyable than class work. All this did not seem to matter in the minds of my students. They were so focused on the places that did not get chosen that they could not appreciate any aspect of the trip. Every participant, teacher included, returned frustrated, emotionally drained, and in no way recharged to enter the classroom with new found vigor. The trip had the exact opposite effect than I had intended.

Future trips were not developed in such a democratic way. Generally, I decide where the trip is and keep it to myself until the last minute. Then I announce that everyone should just go the van for a surprise. Trips since that day are fun and definitely add camaraderie and excitement to the classroom environment.

For a while, I have wondered about this odd phenomenon. Why did giving the students more opportunity and choice make them less happy? Recently I came across a book by Harvard Professor Dan Gilbert that answers this question.

In Stumbling on Happiness (http://www.randomhouse.com/kvpa/gilbert/) Gilbert explains many surprising facts about what makes people happy. Among his many ideas he expresses the fact that human beings adapt to the realities life gives them.

He asks the following question;
“Here’s two different futures that I invite you to contemplate, and you can try to simulate them and tell me which one you think you might prefer. One of them is winning the lottery. This is about 314 million dollars. And the other is becoming paraplegic. So, just give it a moment of thought. You probably don't feel like you need a moment of thought.
Interestingly … the fact is that a year after losing the use of their legs, and a year after winning the lotto, lottery winners and paraplegics are equally happy with their lives.”

He brings study after study that indicates that we find happiness in the reality we are stuck with and not in the decisions that we have made. Remarkably, our ability to choose our destiny does not add to our happiness, in fact, it can deter happiness. Gilbert supports this with a study that found that people enjoy gifts that they get stuck with more than gifts they can exchange. Being stuck with a decision seems to allow the person to come to peace with the reality.

The lesson to take to the classroom is that although we are conditioned to think that more choices lead to more happiness it can have the opposite effect. In my case, giving the power to decide the location of the field trip made it a miserable one. There are many similar examples that can come up daily

You may attempt to learn the limitations of choice from Dr. Dan Gilbert’s book or this article but I have a feeling that the lesson will truly hit home on that unfortunate day that you misuse it in the classroom. Been there.

Please note: There are defiantly situations in which giving choices works positively. Many wonderful ways of using choices as a tool are dealt with in Jim Fay’s popular Love and Logic program http://www.loveandlogic.com/.

Look Who’s Talking (and Teaching!)

Last Friday I had to leave school thirty minutes early. Over the years I have developed my sense of worth to be able to withstand the positive reaction to announcements of my upcoming absence. Who doesn’t enjoy the break that a substitute brings to the normal routine and expectations? This is why I was so taken aback when a student reacted to my announcement that he was sad that I would not be teaching parsha. Then another talmid made the following statement with the confidence that only an adolescent can muster. “I have been a student for over ten years and have never had a parsha shuir that I have enjoyed as much as yours.”

Certainly such positive feedback is cause for reflection. I have never had such a strong reaction to any trip I planned, extra credit opportunity or complex explanation to a Talmudic dispute. I can also be safe in saying that the ideas that I share in this weekly parsha class do not represent deep and profound insights that come to me after hours of hard work and research. What then is the secret to the success of this class? Why was it so compelling that a student would actually miss having the experience?

When I first started teaching parsha I saw the goal of the instruction was to give the bachurim something they can say over at the shabbos table. The highest achievement would be for the listeners to be so impressed that they would associate me, the source of these pearls, with great torah scholarship and respect. In short time, these goals dissipated. I found most of these “choppy” divrei torah to be devoid of serous and meaningful messages for life. Around that time I started my deep relationship with the Alter of Slabodka’s sefer Ohr Hatzafon. I found his words to be simplistic but undeniably relevant. I began to adapt his life lessons into questions that relate to the personal experiences of the students. Before long I had a new format for this time.

The classroom was turned into a semi-circle with me in the middle. I distribute blank index cards and ask the bachurim to anonymously answer a few questions that touch upon a real life scenario or relevant moral dilemma. After they write their answers, I collect the cards and read the answers aloud. The students are instructed not to comment or inquire about the author of the replies. After reflecting on the collective thinking, I respond with a simple insight about the issue from the Parsha (often the Alter’s take in Ohr Haztofon). Hardly fodder for an impressive shabbos table speech.

The primary feature of this class is not anything I say, but rather what the students say. Allowing teenagers a format for expressing their views about meaningful topics is empowering. As adolescents struggle to find themselves and their own voice as adults, they thrive when expressing this new personality and resolve. These parsha classes provide a powerful opportunity for them to be respected for their new found sense of right and wrong. Without sounding sacrilegious, the success of this class does not reflect the power or relevance of the Torah messages, but rather the format in which these discussions take place. In the end however, I find that after our discussion about the topic in which the students have been able to explore both sides of the issue, the students are more impressed and accepting of the message being taught from the parsha.

Not every lesson allows for these opportunities of expression that parsha does, but whenever possible, allowing teenagers to speak their minds may allow the teacher to more effectively speak his.

Assessing Assessments

Warning: Be ready to answer a few questions about this article when it is over.

From time immemorial, teachers have been accused of being out of touch with the trials and tribulations of studenthood. Truth be told, many teachers have been out of the classroom for decades and as the divide grows, so does the list of rules and regulations that students must adhere to. Empathetic teachers respond to the outcries of students by reconsidering these policies. However, they often find it challenging to discern between genuine feedback and, without being over-simplistic, whining!

There is another way for teachers to stay in touch with the challenges of student life – become one. Of the myriad benefits of formal continued education such experiences allow the teacher to remember times long gone. Teacher-students are given an opportunity to grapple with some basic pedagogical questions. How long can one comfortably sit and listen to frontal lecture? How celebrated is an activity that requires your active participation? How easy is it to give your mind over to nonsense texting and/or internet surfing?

Over the past two years, I have been blessed with such an opportunity in the most extreme form. As part of an educator’s fellowship, I spent two full weeks in class from early morning until evening. Sitting in class all day gave me first hand opportunity to reminisce of the many years I spent as a student. Of the many lessons that I gleaned from that time, there is one particle practice that has had a dramatic impact on my teaching. That is the power of regular assessments.

One of the presenters at the program had a habit of stopping every once in a while and asking the group a number of basic question on what we had studied. These questions have had such a positive impact on my learning that I have slowly introduced them into my classroom and have found them to be very helpful.

This practice has evolved to be a regular part of a lesson. After a presentation, I distribute blank index cards and write five questions on the board. The questions should represent a range of difficulty and a sampling of the material covered on that day. After the students have answered the questions, I go over each question and answer any specific questions raised by the students. The students mark and grade the cards themselves and then pass them up to me. This data is not used in assessing the report card grade.

Here are some of the benefits of having regular mini-assessments:

Active participation – Anything a teacher can do to personally involve all students in the learning will enhance the student’s experience. These assessments engage every student in an active and personal way. Every student takes the assessment and every student hands it in.

Practice makes perfect – Answering these questions serves as a way to practice what has been learned. More immediate practice will help the information stay with the students longer.

Motivation – Knowing that they will be asked questions at the end of the presentation motivates some students to pay better attention. Even though the grade doesn’t “count” towards the final grade, most student want to make a good impression.

Check for understanding – This feedback gives the students and teacher immediate feedback about how the lesson was absorbed by the students. If there is a part of the lesson that needs to be retaught or clarified, the teacher is made aware of this and can address the issue either individually or for the entire class.

Data driven decisions – Having regular data about the student’s achievement in class gives the teacher a tremendous amount of data on which to base decision, about individual and class progress and needs. A teacher can easily identify changes in a specific student’s achievement and inquire as to the cause. The teacher can also see class trends and hwo the presentation style may impact achievement.

In addition to my positive anecdotal experience with increasing assessments, I have recently come across research data that supports its significant value. Robert Marzano (The Art and Science of Teaching page 13) brings a study by Bangrt-Drowns, Kulik, &Kilik, 1991, that found that the more assessments that take place within a given 15 weeks increases achievement by up to 30%. In light of the few benefits I gave outlined here, these findings are not surprising.

Please answer these questions without looking back.

1. List three benefits of giving regular assessments?
2. How do assessments affect motivation?
3. Which benefit resonated most with you and why?
4. What impact, if any, has your answering these questions had on your learning of the information?

Personality Match

Over the summer we were blessed with a new addition to our family. Shalom Uri was born about three weeks before the start of school. Having a baby during the summer vacation is exponentially more convenient than any other time. One does not feel the pressure of being torn between the needs of family and students. When the school year actually began, I found myself simultaneously getting to know our new son and a new class. I have found some remarkable similarities in both these experiences.

Within the first few days and weeks that we have brought a new baby home, my wife began to share aspects of his personality. Is he easy going or more particular? Is he more sensitive? Does he seem alert and aware of his world? While many of these predictions do actualize over the next few years, a unique personality beings to blossom from the very beginning. By the time a child is two or three we are all aware of the unique aspects of the child’s interaction with the world. Each child has his/her own unique style, along with strengths and challenges. These identifying characteristics with probably stay with each person for the rest of their lives.

There is no easy way to explain why a particular family will have a child with a particular personality. There are times in which some traits can be traced back through generations, but there are also times when there is no explanation for a behavior or attitude. I like to believe that parents would not be given a challenge that they cannot handle. There can be very difficult children but some way parents can learn how to respond best. Obviously there are exceptions, but generally speaking parents must feel that they are capable to raise each child “according to his way”. To put in spiritual terms – there is Hashgacha that brings children and parents together. Somehow this is also an expression of the Hand of G-d.

Every group has its own unique dynamic. Dr. Irvin Yalom and many other psychiatrists have studied the personality of groups. Just has individual personality are the mosaic of many specific elements within each person a group follows the same model. Each group has a unique mosaic of personalities that plays into the development of the culture of the group. This culture can be detected early on. It is not uncommon for me to discuss a 9^th grade class with that class's kindergarten teacher and find that not too much has changed since kindergarten.

As the school year marches on, I begin to learn about the unique personality of my class. In the role of rebbe, I try to mimic my view as a parent and find the strengths in the class personality. As parents we hope to recognize strength and acknowledge challenge in order to properly parent. As a rebbe, we follow a similar approach and embrace the strengths while seeking to improve areas of difficulty that a class may possess. Having clarity in this area will give the rebbe a frame of reference for many of the experiences he will encounter during the year. In the end, as in every area of life, we accept the hand of Hashem and see each biological and spiritual child as an opportunity for personal growth.

School Savior

How much impact does a school really have on the development of a child? Is the life of my child different because he goes to one school or another? Certainly as an educator I believe the answers to these questions are clear but never did I see the impact of a school more than this past year.

First a bit of history:

My oldest son, Yaakov, was a very happy baby. He seemed to always be laughing and smiling. One time while he was sleeping we heard odd sounds from his crib and upon further inspection found him laughing in his sleep. After that stage he became a major talker and would engage anyone willing to talk with him. We were thrilled with his progress and excited for his future

Then he began school.

From the time he started until first grade, there was a slow progression of dysfunction. It started with a strong desire to stay home and when his pleas stopped being effective, he began developing unexplained physical issues. At this time he began chewing his clothes. At first it was just the bottom of his sleeve, but it slowly developed to a point when he would return from school with his entire shirt drenched in saliva! He began acting out when he was with his friends and was becoming a class clown. On field trips he was “paired” with students who had significant developmental delays. In retrospect these signs of distress are abundantly clear, but as it happened, it was harder to see how much difficulty he was having. At my wife’s suggestion, we took Yaakov to a psychologist for a full round of educational testing.

The results were life altering.

Dr. Lori Wilson found that Yaakov had an IQ that was shocking. His scores put him in 99.7th percentile in intellectual abilities for children in his age range. She also found that he had significant weaknesses in performance tests. In many areas, there was a 40 point differential between his IQ and performance scores (in his reading ability, there was actually a 70 point differential!) These results indicated a significant learning disorder, specifically in the area of reading. In other words, he was dyslexic. She suggested a number of options. I remember leaving her office with mixed emotions. On one hand we found out that our child had an IQ that was off the charts but at the same time he was now labeled as dyslexic. What does that mean? What happens to child with dyslexia? Would he have to leave our Jewish school? After reflection, professional consultation and rabbinic direction, we signed our son up to enter The Schenck School, a local private school for dyslexics.

This changed our son Yaakov’s life.

His new school celebrated his strengths and assisted him with his weaknesses. Over the next three years, a metamorphosis took place. He went from a timid, scared and insecure person to a confident, engaged and capable learner. His reading test scores went from being in the 2^nd percentile to the 98^th! Slowly he stopped chewing his shirt and he reengaged his old friends in a normal and healthy way. I shutter when I think of what would have happened to him if we would have kept him where he was. Who can imagine what ways (both consciously and otherwise) he would have found to compensate for the immense pain he would have experienced? How could we have ever built a solid Judaic identity on such a faulty emotional foundation?

We learned so much from this experience.

We learned about the profound impact of a learning disability. We learned how important it is to detect and intervene on behalf of a child struggling. We learned what a major difference a good school and teacher can have on a child. We learned that, in our case, Yaakov’s positive self concept translated into a positive and strong Jewish identity. Most of all, we are beginning to learn Yaakov’s wonderful potential in every area of life. Taking the difficult step of switching him from the comfortable Torah Day School to The Schenck School has helped Yaakov blossom into a young man with great dreams and the confidence to pursue those dreams.

For us a school had made quite a difference – it was a personal savior!

The Memory Factory

It is hard to believe we are almost there. The school year’s end is upon us and the finish line is rapidly approaching. Both teachers and students are filled with the bittersweet feelings of anticipating the freedom summer brings while leaving the friendly classroom environment with the uncertainty of what next year’s class will bring. As a Rebbe, the end of the year is an extremely important time that requires thought and planning.

Recently, I viewed a lecture by Nobel Prize winning professor Dr. Daniel Kahneman regarding the role of memory on our feelings about an event or place. His studies have demonstrated that a person's positive or negative associations with a previous experience relates directly to how they remember the experience, not the reality of the positive or negative occurrences during that experience. A classic example would be to imagine a situation in which a person spent an amazing summer in Paris. They stayed in the most wonderful hotels, ate in the best restaurants and saw the magnificent sites. Unfortunately, as they were walking home one night they were mugged and their passport was stolen. It was quite scary and a pain to find the US consulate to replace it. How do you think they will remember the trip ten years later, positively or negatively? One could easily imagine that although the trip was filled with many positive aspects, all that will remain of the trip would be that one memory of terror and fear. This memory has defined the trip as a bad one.

What defines our perception of life experiences is how we remember them, not the reality of what has taken place. How does your average Jewish male feel about his bris? Most of us do not have any feelings about this painful and momentous day. This is because we have no working memory of it. It is our memory of the event, not the event itself, which matters most.

Dr. Kahneman brings a study that was run in the 1990’s in which two patients underwent a painful medical procedure. The participants were asked to report on their pain every 60 seconds. The two patients had similar procedures but patient A’s was a shorter and less involved procedure and he reported less pain every 60 seconds during the procedure itself. The surprise was that patient A had a mush worse memory of the procedure than Patient B. The reason was that although A had an easier experience it ended in more pain than patient B did. It was the level of pain at the end of the procedure that defined experience most. "Endings are very, very important and in this case, the ending dominated the memory."

Here is a link to the lecture;

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/daniel_kahneman_the_riddle_of_experience_vs_memory.html

This information is quite important for a Rebbe as the year ends. Regardless of the success or challenges a talmid has throughout the year, if the Rebbe can find a way to highlight the positive experiences in the talmid’s memory, which will define the year. More important than the specific grades and achievements that a Talmid has throughout the school year is the way he perceives the year. My aim is for my Talmidim to walk away from the year energized and positive about their academic ability, with enthusiasm for learning and for the Yeshiva experience. To this end, I attempt to find ways to focus their thinking on very specific and positive memories. I do this in primarily two ways.

1. We have an end of year final in which we review each page of Gemara we covered. After we review the amud we write up approximately ten facts that they must memorize. Throughout the weeks in which this review is taking place, we review multiple times. By the end the boys have close to 10 basic facts about the mesechta that they have committed to memory and take a final with over fifty questions. We focus on the importance of this review and the magnitude of the number of facts and information each talmid has. So far every talmid has risen to the occasion and succeeded on this defining test. My hope is that this huge sense of success will overshadow any less positive academic memories from the year.

2. My class sizes are generally under ten and therefore I am able to write a short paragraph to each talmid about how much I appreciate them and highlight some of their accomplishments and talents. These notes are given inside a small Tehilim. This note serves a number of important purposes. Among them is the ability to solidify the talmid’s memory of their rebbe in a positive light. My hope is that they will remember the positive words of encouragement and associate them with our relationship for the future.

These are two of the ways I attempt to focus my talmidim on the positive aspects of the year and hope that as they move on in their education this positive energy will define the experience.