The Virtue of Lying

One of the most meaningful papers I wrote while studying at John Hopkins was called “The Button Paper”. This paper was assigning by my wise Introduction to Counseling professor, Fred Hana. Dr. Hana explained that every therapist has “button” issues that when “pressed” will invoke a strong response. As a therapist it is essential to keep such reactions in check to insure that they fit the needs of the client. An easy example would be a therapist who was bullied by an older child who is then is asked to provide help for a bully. The therapist must be aware that they might become overly angry when hearing reports about the actions of their client. Identifying these buttons gives the therapist the ability to be objective when dealing with issues that would otherwise cause a loss of objectivity.

This lesson is no less useful for educators.

Teachers are constantly faced with a variety of behaviors and idiosyncrasies. Many teachers will interact with hundreds of students and parents over their careers and are bound to face hot button issues along the way. It is essential that teachers become acquainted early with which personalities or issues will get them upset. Teachers who do not identify this early may be forced to do so by dealing with the fall out of an overreaction. There is almost nothing more dangerous for a teacher than the perfect storm created by having a stressful personal life and such personality clash can quickly create. Who does not recall such a scene from childhood? I can vividly see Rabbi X (our elementary school rebbe) standing bachur Y on the desk so he could scream at him eye to eye! As young children we were not sure what to do and in retrospect I don’t know who to feel worse for, Rabbi X or Bachur Y?

Lying has always been a difficult for me to deal with. When interacting with talmidim I put a lot of weight in our relationship and rely on the relationship to develop the talmid. When I discover that a talmid has lied to me I feel that the relationship is lost. The result of this thought process is a mixture of fear and anger. How could a talmid who I have loved and cared for think so little of our relationship that I hold so dear? Where do I go from here? This is one of my buttons.

Over the years I have come to see this behavior from another side. This change was inspired by the Parshios of this time of year.

Adom hides, Sarah lies.

How could these great people attempt to elude Hashem? Is it possible that Adom thought he could hide from Hashem? Did Sarah not know that Hashem knew she had laughed?

When people are so embarrassed about what they have done they are able to be mentally forced into lying. They are times that our minds will not allow us to see what is so clear. This concept is expressed in a number of psychological phenomena. Possibly most famous among these concepts is “cognitive dissonance”.

Cognitive dissonance is defined by Britannica Encyclopedia as:
“the mental conflict that occurs when beliefs or assumptions are contradicted by new information. The unease or tension that the conflict arouses in a person is relieved by one of several defensive maneuvers: the person rejects, explains away, or avoids the new information, persuades himself that no conflict really exists, reconciles the differences, or resorts to any other defensive means of preserving stability or order in his conception of the world and of himself. The concept, first introduced in the 1950s, has become a major point of discussion and research.”

It is but one of a number of mental mechanisms aimed at protecting ourselves from information that is too painful or difficult to process.

With this orientation the “lying” done to Hashem does not represent an irrational belief of alluding Hashem rather it is an expression of discomfort regarding with what the truth would mean. Suddenly Sarah’s lie can be seen as a virtue and a statement of her true recognition of the seriousness of what she had done. The application to our classrooms is self explanatory.
But can we conclude that lying is indeed a virtue?

I shared this idea with my wife’s uncle, Rabbi Yitzchok Cook, who lives in Bnie Brak and is a therapist in Yerushaliem, his reaction was shocking. He not only agreed with this but quoted a sefer that says this explicitly!

Rabbi Cook quoted the sefer Gavielay Aish by Rabbi Moshe Rize. Rabbi Rize quotes a Chazal that predicts that Adom will eat again from the Eitz Hadas. How could Chazal know such a thing? He explains that the answer lies in comparing the reactions of Adom and Sara to their misbehavior. Sara reacted by total denial, clearly expressing her total embarrassment over what had taken place. This denial endicates a complete azivas hachait Adom’s reaction was less virtuous than Sarah’s lie. He says “ it was given to me “Veachal” and I ate, in the present form. Rabbi Rize explains that he was reaction was too pedestrian for someone who had committed the first sin of mankind. This “honest” answer showed a lack of remorse and embarrassment about this serious avira. It was this nikudah that led Chazal to state that Adom is destine to eat from the Eitz Hadas again.

I hope to keep the above in mind the next time a talmid lies about his rule violation. Instead of viewing it as a total abandonment of our relationship I hope to see it for the virtuous act that it is – a testament to his udder embarrassment regarding the behavior.

And let’s pray these thought keep my buttons safe!

My Living Ledgend

I have not had the honor of personally knowing too many living legends. To me, a living legend is someone who has achieved a unique and unprecedented level of mastery in a specific skill or ideal. When the names of such people are merely mentioned, they are immediately associated with the cause or skill they have lived for.

There is no question that Rabbi Dovid Trenk has achieved the status of living legend. Rabbi Trenk has become well-known throughout the chinuch world as a man of unequaled passion and resolve. One only need attend an open session at the Torah Umesorah Convention to get a flavor for this remarkable man.

Rabbi Trenk is the champion of the “underdog” of Orthodox Jewish education. He supports the bachurim who find themselves unwanted by educators they encounter. He continuously reminds mainstream chinuch of the love that Hashem has for each and every Yid. He refocuses all around him on the potential that each human being has to connect to the Ribono Shel Olam.

In a yeshiva world that is increasingly focused on “clean” and “aleph” bachurim and is slowly excluding others who are viewed as challenging, Rabbi Trenk wonders how a Jewish child can be considered “unclean” and unwanted. He reminds us to ponder if a boy struggling with a Yetzer Harah is less loved by the very Creator who gave him that Yetzer?

No self-respecting mechanech would ever articulate an argument to the truths that Rabbi Trenk speaks. Many find the response of passive aggression more comfortable by not accepting challenging students to their Yeshivos and directing these children to other mosdos. By passing the proverbial “buck” to another mechanech, we are not forced to state what our actions so clearly say.

But Rabbi Trenk will not allow this silent destruction to take place. He bravely champions the cause of B'nei Yisrael. He will not sit ideally by while these children of Hashem are cast aside by so many. By continuously standing up and speaking out at public forums, he keeps these neshamos in the forefront of Jewish education. In recent years, he has taken his passion to a new level by “putting his money where his mouth is” and establishing Yeshiva Moreshes Yehoshua. This yeshiva attempts to pick up the sparks of kedushah guised as difficult children and channel them back to the path of the just. I am hard pressed to identify a more worthy cause.

Those of us in mainstream chinuch do not simply draw inspiration from Rabbi Trenk’s unyielding commitment. He also effects how we interact with talmidim. Anyone in chinuch in the year 2010 is confronted with a shmorges board of difficult situations and talmidim. Every Yeshiva has children who push the limits and challenge authority. It often seems natural and simple to suspend, expel and destroy any one who challenges the vision we have for our yeshivas. When confronted with such situations, and even more innocuous ones, we can take a moment for a healthy reflection of “what would Rabbi Trenk say?” Somehow when I ask myself this basic question, I am able to see the talmid again through the fog of my initial reaction of fear. When I think of Dovid Trenk, I think about the beauty of this talmid and how much good exists within him. When these qualities are highlighted, a Rebbe can find the strength to support the talmid instead of pushing him down.

I feel indebted to this living legend for helping me remember what chinuch is all about and hope that Hashem will continue to give him the strength the keep the cause of all of Hashem’s children in our minds always.

? The Science of Chinuch ?

I have recently began studying the field of education psychology. This field attempts to look at the way a person's mind is designed to learn and store information and then develops educational models most in sync with that process. One such model is that of Dr. Madeline Hunter. http://www.humboldt.edu/~tha1/hunter-eei.html#direct who was a professor at UCLA. Dr. Hunter researched educational theory and developed a number of elements that defines good educational practice. Once trained her approach, I would consider sharing this knowledge with other to insure that the Torah educators are teaching in the optimum way.

After at first resisting, then personally researching and experimenting with these techniques, I have learned their significant value. When I take the time to develop a lesson plan based on the suggested model I find the lesson to be more effective and the students learn with better understanding.

When I shared this information with a fellow mechanech, he aggressively objected to the entire premise. He based his objection on the published opinion of Rabbi Yaakov Weinberg zt”l. I was able to find the quote in his book on education that consists of his transcribed speeches given to mechanchim.

“There is one thing that is very difficult to recognize and accept, but it the very foundation of all Jewish education: Torah and chochmah are two entirely different things, and therefore all of the experiences, judgments, experiments, and conclusions that may be correct about secular education have utterly no relevance o a Torah education .”Chochmah b’umos ta’amin Torah b’umos al ta’amin – Wisdom among nations, believe it; Torah among the nations, don’t believe it” (Eichah Rabbah 2:13) suggests that Torah does not enter the mind the same way that secular knowledge does. Therefore, all of the methodologies that apply to secular knowledge are completely irrelevant when it comes to the way we learn Torah.” (pg 105-06)

Where does this leave my new found appreciation for Madeline Hunter?

I am confident that Dr. Hunter did not develop her theories in the Los Angeles cheder with students involved in Torah study. So what level of validity do these effective elements have? How to we resolve this conflict?

After sharing this question with a number of very prominent principals, I have synthesized their collective responses in the following way:
The “mesorah” of chinuch is to effectively communicate to our talmidim the words of chazal. The key word is effective. Any “tool” employed by a Rebbe that is effective cannot be classified as “secular”. Just as we would not consider a desk, pen or board, secular because it may have been created by a non-Jew, we cannot declare “anticipatory set” invalid . It is merely a tool that we use to transfer our Mesorah to our Talmidim.

Furthermore the Mesorah can never preclude the use of new and valuable tools due to the basic principle of Chanoch LeNar Al Pi Darcho. Each child, each generation, and each classroom, require a new set of tools that must be employed. If a mechanch picks up a technique that works for that situation, he must use it.

The Talmudist in me wonders if Rav Weinberg’s message can be understood to allow the usage of Dr. Hunter's research. Could Rav Weinberg's words suggest that when a technique is developed for the secular classroom its validity will be based on research done in secular environments and studies; however, when assessing an education tool for the Torah classroom it must be validated using a different standard? The standard must include the technique's consistency with Mesorah, its effectiveness with Torah learning, and the general impact on the Talmud’s appreciation of Torah.

When a new technique passes these additional tests one can certainly employ them in a Torah classroom. In fact, any Rebbe that does not employ these effective techniques will be missing out on providing talmidim with a fuller understanding of Hashem and His Torah.

The "Here-and-Now"

In the book The Gift of Therapy, Dr. Yalom writes that one of the most critical elements of therapy is the “Here-and-Now”. The here-and-now refers to the therapist identifying issues that are taking place in the client’s life that are expressing themselves in the actual therapy session. Properly identifying such issues and bringing them to the attention of the patient can allow for some very powerful and effective intervention. Instead of talking about a theoretical of historical event the therapist can talk about the “Here and Now”.

He writes “The here-and-now is a major source of therapeutic power, the pay dirt of therapy, the therapist’s (and hence the patient’s) best friend…The here-and- now refers to the immediate events of the therapeutic hour, to what is happening here (in this office, in this relationship, in the in-bewteeness- the space between me and you) and now, in this immediate hour. It is basically an a historic approach and de-emphasizes (but does not negate the importance of) the patient’s historic past or events of his or her outside life.”

When working with children there is an added value in identifying the here-and-now. Even more than adults, children are often unaware of themselves. It is important for children to learn how their behavior and emotion manifest in the world around them. Even when teenagers are aware of themselves they will do anything to avoid or deny that knowledge. The here-and-now becomes an invaluable technique that can be used to identify behaviors as they happen in a discreet and meaningful way. This is not to be confused with telling a child that what they did was wrong. This is about an ongoing conversation with a student about an area of weakness and pointing out real life examples of the struggle.

Here is a model of how this can be applied:

Shalom is a student who gets into fights with his fellow classmates. Although many fights are mutually generated, he rarely takes responsibility for his role. The Rebbe would like to sensitize Shalom to his role in these conflicts. In a private meeting, not about or in response to a specific incident, the Rebbe can carefully explain how often people have trouble seeing their own actions. In this unguarded environment Shalom would be more likely to concede to the possibility that he can miss his role in the conflict at times. The Rebbe and student agree on a hidden symbol or that they will talk after class if such an incident occurs.

Here and now you utilize the here-and-now.

The next time a situation comes up in which Shalom (or another student) plays a subtle role in a conflict, you have an amazing teaching moment to discuss in real terms what has taken place. I have been pleasantly surprised in how much easier it is to discuss behaviors in this context. Much of the dialogue will take place after class in private, but the mutual identification of the moment when it happens will allow for a real conversation later.

There are many variations and applications of this technique that can be employed. When taught with dignity, children respond positively to opportunities for growth.

Critical Moments

There is nothing like the first day of school. Each student enters with new books, new clothes, new teachers and a new start. Along with the clean first page of the notebook is an attitude of the potential for success. Human beings want to succeed, they want to accomplish and overcome obstacles. That is in part what makes computer games so appealing…simply overcoming the challenge. Being successful in school means more than just overcoming a challenge, it means approval from significant adults in a child’s life and usually social stature. In many children’s’ minds success in school translates to success in life.

So when the child walks in the first day he is hopeful and ready to accomplish and be successful. Maintaining this attitude can be one of the most critical objectives for teachers. As long a child believes he or she can be successful they will be willing to work and try. The second they feel they cannot succeed there is no point in trying. Trying will just make the failure more painful.

One critical element in the child staying “in the game” is academic success. Children who have not succeeded in previous years will be used to starting the year fresh and then dropping off. It can be the first homework that they do not hand in, it can be the first quiz they fail and for some it can even be the first line of notes they miss.

It is essential for the teacher to keep an eye out for this moment. If missed, the child will descend the well worn path to school apathy. If the teacher is able to keep the child from that breaking point the student will remain hopeful and willing to try for one more page of notes, homework assignment or quiz.

There are a number of things a teacher can do the help the child overcome these critical moments. One component is the level of difficulty of the work. The difficulty level must be slowly raised so the child is not overwhelmed academically. As the level is raised each stage must be celebrated for the significant accomplishment it is. In a larger class this can be a challenge but there are ways of differentiating that can be done with a bit of creativity. An easy example is announcing to the class that if you feel the expectations for a quiz is too high they can speak to you and you will allow them to only be responsible for part of the material. In the past eight years of teaching I have not experienced a child who has abused this opportunity.

The teacher must also keep careful watch of the students when assignments are announced. When looking at the body language, facial expressions, and even verbal reaction of the children one can often gage how the students feels about the assignment. These moments are critical because at these points a child with a history of failure will give up. If the teacher can become aware of what is going on in the mind of the child, he can stop this negative cycle. A small compassionate conference after class can make the difference for an entire year.

The first day of school is a gift of renewal. A good teacher will not squander the opportunity it brings for every child.

Process Lessons

Excellent teachers use a number of modalities when teaching. Most teachers lecture, some use “discovery”, and yet others provide “active participation”.

All teachers model behavior.

Character development may not appear on a list of educational objectives of any given lesson but any interaction the students have with a teacher is a lesson in human behavior non-the-less.
Who will forget the kindness a teacher showed on a difficult day?
Which one of us can forget the sixth grade science teacher who lost his temper?
Who can forget the times we were sent to the principal and how he reacted to our misbehavior?

The lessons learned through personal experience last long and can permanently change the way a child interacts with the world. When we think about our actions as teachers in this light we can appreciate why Chazal expect Rebbaim to act as “Malachim”. Education can not only be about meaningful content, it must also be about exceptional character development.

One can say that in every interaction between teacher and students there are two layers to the lesson. There is the content of the words being taught on one level and then there is the process. The process refers to the lesson about how the information is given over.
For example, if a child runs into the street and the parent screams “Moshe, get out of the street” there have been two layers of lessons taught. Content – Moshe should not be in the street. Process – When there is danger one should scream.

Now to the classroom.

When are we to make of the use of anger and intimidation in the classroom or school building? Is there a place for screaming at a child (even if one can keep “calm” on the inside)? What about using intimidation to get a child to behave?

These approaches are quite effective when attempting to get control over a situation but what is the “process lesson”. When is life would these modalities be appropriate?

Are we teaching that screaming and intimidation are acceptable when you really need something?
Are we teaching that when one has absolute power it is okay to embarrass or overpower someone?

We must find process lessons that result in behaviors we want to see the child doing in other context. This may be easy to write about but in the heat of the moment it is much easier to only focuses on the content of our words but not the process.
The problem is that the process is experienced, not only heard, and therefore will be a more effect lesson that the content which is purely auditory.

Day One, Number Eight

Tomorrow morning will be my eighth “first day of school”. I wish I could report that I was not nervous and knew exactly what to do.

I can not.

This time of year brings me back eight years ago when I started my fist day. There were four ninth graders and me. I do not recall ever having been so scared of 13 year olds.

Here are some lessons I have learned since then.

Lesson One: Being nervous is normal and part of teaching.

We tend to resist our nerves by telling ourselves not to be nervous. This is usually unsuccessful and only succeeds in making us more nervous.

I have found that the best way for me to deal with nerves is to except them and understand that they will be there, as they were in all previous years, and I will be okay non-the-less. I read about such a technique that Dr. Pelcowitz suggests when working with a person with OCD. As you remember, a person with OCD has obsessive thoughts or worries that overtake them. He suggests allowing them to “obsess” for specific amounts of time. This way they can relax between those times and this helps them function. When a person has a good reason to feel an emotion it rarely helps to deny the emotion. If we can channel the emotion we will be better off.

So right now I am pretty nervous but trying not to worrying about my being nervous! That may sound funny but it is true.

Lesson Two: The students are WAY more nervous than I am.

This would be true of any grade but even more so for me who is teaching ninth grade. None of my students have ever been to Yeshiva or High School and some are even away from home for the first time. Keeping this in mind will help relieve my nerves and help me to be sensitive to my students. They have so many questions about how the year will go and what they are expected to do. I let them know that I will address these questions which helps calm them a bit.

Lesson Three: You only get one chance to make a first impression.

For anyone who has taken Rabbi Yoel Kramer’s teaching classes you understand this point quite well. This is not the place for a discussion about classroom discipline and management but suffice it to say that the first moments of class are significant.

Although different teachers will handle this differently I have decided to start with learning from the first moments. No provisos or procedural announcements. The second we are sitting I run into the learning. I do this because a) what better way to teach what is important to me? b) What better way to teach how I will run the classroom than showing them? C) I often throw in procedurals comments in the learning, this way they are non-threatening and not a big deal, “Take out you notebooks, you will need these everyday…” “Non bathroom breaks during this part of shiur, this will be true everyday..” I can address many things before the formal “talk” about this.

There are many more aspects to the first day. Harry Wong, a well know speaker on education has an entire book in the first days of teaching! I just wanted to share these few thoughts. Now I better get make to the preparation for tomorrow or else…