One of the most meaningful papers I wrote while studying at John Hopkins was called “The Button Paper”. This paper was assigning by my wise Introduction to Counseling professor, Fred Hana. Dr. Hana explained that every therapist has “button” issues that when “pressed” will invoke a strong response. As a therapist it is essential to keep such reactions in check to insure that they fit the needs of the client. An easy example would be a therapist who was bullied by an older child who is then is asked to provide help for a bully. The therapist must be aware that they might become overly angry when hearing reports about the actions of their client. Identifying these buttons gives the therapist the ability to be objective when dealing with issues that would otherwise cause a loss of objectivity.
This lesson is no less useful for educators.
Teachers are constantly faced with a variety of behaviors and idiosyncrasies. Many teachers will interact with hundreds of students and parents over their careers and are bound to face hot button issues along the way. It is essential that teachers become acquainted early with which personalities or issues will get them upset. Teachers who do not identify this early may be forced to do so by dealing with the fall out of an overreaction. There is almost nothing more dangerous for a teacher than the perfect storm created by having a stressful personal life and such personality clash can quickly create. Who does not recall such a scene from childhood? I can vividly see Rabbi X (our elementary school rebbe) standing bachur Y on the desk so he could scream at him eye to eye! As young children we were not sure what to do and in retrospect I don’t know who to feel worse for, Rabbi X or Bachur Y?
Lying has always been a difficult for me to deal with. When interacting with talmidim I put a lot of weight in our relationship and rely on the relationship to develop the talmid. When I discover that a talmid has lied to me I feel that the relationship is lost. The result of this thought process is a mixture of fear and anger. How could a talmid who I have loved and cared for think so little of our relationship that I hold so dear? Where do I go from here? This is one of my buttons.
Over the years I have come to see this behavior from another side. This change was inspired by the Parshios of this time of year.
Adom hides, Sarah lies.
How could these great people attempt to elude Hashem? Is it possible that Adom thought he could hide from Hashem? Did Sarah not know that Hashem knew she had laughed?
When people are so embarrassed about what they have done they are able to be mentally forced into lying. They are times that our minds will not allow us to see what is so clear. This concept is expressed in a number of psychological phenomena. Possibly most famous among these concepts is “cognitive dissonance”.
Cognitive dissonance is defined by Britannica Encyclopedia as:
“the mental conflict that occurs when beliefs or assumptions are contradicted by new information. The unease or tension that the conflict arouses in a person is relieved by one of several defensive maneuvers: the person rejects, explains away, or avoids the new information, persuades himself that no conflict really exists, reconciles the differences, or resorts to any other defensive means of preserving stability or order in his conception of the world and of himself. The concept, first introduced in the 1950s, has become a major point of discussion and research.”
It is but one of a number of mental mechanisms aimed at protecting ourselves from information that is too painful or difficult to process.
With this orientation the “lying” done to Hashem does not represent an irrational belief of alluding Hashem rather it is an expression of discomfort regarding with what the truth would mean. Suddenly Sarah’s lie can be seen as a virtue and a statement of her true recognition of the seriousness of what she had done. The application to our classrooms is self explanatory.
But can we conclude that lying is indeed a virtue?
I shared this idea with my wife’s uncle, Rabbi Yitzchok Cook, who lives in Bnie Brak and is a therapist in Yerushaliem, his reaction was shocking. He not only agreed with this but quoted a sefer that says this explicitly!
Rabbi Cook quoted the sefer Gavielay Aish by Rabbi Moshe Rize. Rabbi Rize quotes a Chazal that predicts that Adom will eat again from the Eitz Hadas. How could Chazal know such a thing? He explains that the answer lies in comparing the reactions of Adom and Sara to their misbehavior. Sara reacted by total denial, clearly expressing her total embarrassment over what had taken place. This denial endicates a complete azivas hachait Adom’s reaction was less virtuous than Sarah’s lie. He says “ it was given to me “Veachal” and I ate, in the present form. Rabbi Rize explains that he was reaction was too pedestrian for someone who had committed the first sin of mankind. This “honest” answer showed a lack of remorse and embarrassment about this serious avira. It was this nikudah that led Chazal to state that Adom is destine to eat from the Eitz Hadas again.
I hope to keep the above in mind the next time a talmid lies about his rule violation. Instead of viewing it as a total abandonment of our relationship I hope to see it for the virtuous act that it is – a testament to his udder embarrassment regarding the behavior.
And let’s pray these thought keep my buttons safe!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
My Living Ledgend
I have not had the honor of personally knowing too many living legends. To me, a living legend is someone who has achieved a unique and unprecedented level of mastery in a specific skill or ideal. When the names of such people are merely mentioned, they are immediately associated with the cause or skill they have lived for.
There is no question that Rabbi Dovid Trenk has achieved the status of living legend. Rabbi Trenk has become well-known throughout the chinuch world as a man of unequaled passion and resolve. One only need attend an open session at the Torah Umesorah Convention to get a flavor for this remarkable man.
Rabbi Trenk is the champion of the “underdog” of Orthodox Jewish education. He supports the bachurim who find themselves unwanted by educators they encounter. He continuously reminds mainstream chinuch of the love that Hashem has for each and every Yid. He refocuses all around him on the potential that each human being has to connect to the Ribono Shel Olam.
In a yeshiva world that is increasingly focused on “clean” and “aleph” bachurim and is slowly excluding others who are viewed as challenging, Rabbi Trenk wonders how a Jewish child can be considered “unclean” and unwanted. He reminds us to ponder if a boy struggling with a Yetzer Harah is less loved by the very Creator who gave him that Yetzer?
No self-respecting mechanech would ever articulate an argument to the truths that Rabbi Trenk speaks. Many find the response of passive aggression more comfortable by not accepting challenging students to their Yeshivos and directing these children to other mosdos. By passing the proverbial “buck” to another mechanech, we are not forced to state what our actions so clearly say.
But Rabbi Trenk will not allow this silent destruction to take place. He bravely champions the cause of B'nei Yisrael. He will not sit ideally by while these children of Hashem are cast aside by so many. By continuously standing up and speaking out at public forums, he keeps these neshamos in the forefront of Jewish education. In recent years, he has taken his passion to a new level by “putting his money where his mouth is” and establishing Yeshiva Moreshes Yehoshua. This yeshiva attempts to pick up the sparks of kedushah guised as difficult children and channel them back to the path of the just. I am hard pressed to identify a more worthy cause.
Those of us in mainstream chinuch do not simply draw inspiration from Rabbi Trenk’s unyielding commitment. He also effects how we interact with talmidim. Anyone in chinuch in the year 2010 is confronted with a shmorges board of difficult situations and talmidim. Every Yeshiva has children who push the limits and challenge authority. It often seems natural and simple to suspend, expel and destroy any one who challenges the vision we have for our yeshivas. When confronted with such situations, and even more innocuous ones, we can take a moment for a healthy reflection of “what would Rabbi Trenk say?” Somehow when I ask myself this basic question, I am able to see the talmid again through the fog of my initial reaction of fear. When I think of Dovid Trenk, I think about the beauty of this talmid and how much good exists within him. When these qualities are highlighted, a Rebbe can find the strength to support the talmid instead of pushing him down.
I feel indebted to this living legend for helping me remember what chinuch is all about and hope that Hashem will continue to give him the strength the keep the cause of all of Hashem’s children in our minds always.
There is no question that Rabbi Dovid Trenk has achieved the status of living legend. Rabbi Trenk has become well-known throughout the chinuch world as a man of unequaled passion and resolve. One only need attend an open session at the Torah Umesorah Convention to get a flavor for this remarkable man.
Rabbi Trenk is the champion of the “underdog” of Orthodox Jewish education. He supports the bachurim who find themselves unwanted by educators they encounter. He continuously reminds mainstream chinuch of the love that Hashem has for each and every Yid. He refocuses all around him on the potential that each human being has to connect to the Ribono Shel Olam.
In a yeshiva world that is increasingly focused on “clean” and “aleph” bachurim and is slowly excluding others who are viewed as challenging, Rabbi Trenk wonders how a Jewish child can be considered “unclean” and unwanted. He reminds us to ponder if a boy struggling with a Yetzer Harah is less loved by the very Creator who gave him that Yetzer?
No self-respecting mechanech would ever articulate an argument to the truths that Rabbi Trenk speaks. Many find the response of passive aggression more comfortable by not accepting challenging students to their Yeshivos and directing these children to other mosdos. By passing the proverbial “buck” to another mechanech, we are not forced to state what our actions so clearly say.
But Rabbi Trenk will not allow this silent destruction to take place. He bravely champions the cause of B'nei Yisrael. He will not sit ideally by while these children of Hashem are cast aside by so many. By continuously standing up and speaking out at public forums, he keeps these neshamos in the forefront of Jewish education. In recent years, he has taken his passion to a new level by “putting his money where his mouth is” and establishing Yeshiva Moreshes Yehoshua. This yeshiva attempts to pick up the sparks of kedushah guised as difficult children and channel them back to the path of the just. I am hard pressed to identify a more worthy cause.
Those of us in mainstream chinuch do not simply draw inspiration from Rabbi Trenk’s unyielding commitment. He also effects how we interact with talmidim. Anyone in chinuch in the year 2010 is confronted with a shmorges board of difficult situations and talmidim. Every Yeshiva has children who push the limits and challenge authority. It often seems natural and simple to suspend, expel and destroy any one who challenges the vision we have for our yeshivas. When confronted with such situations, and even more innocuous ones, we can take a moment for a healthy reflection of “what would Rabbi Trenk say?” Somehow when I ask myself this basic question, I am able to see the talmid again through the fog of my initial reaction of fear. When I think of Dovid Trenk, I think about the beauty of this talmid and how much good exists within him. When these qualities are highlighted, a Rebbe can find the strength to support the talmid instead of pushing him down.
I feel indebted to this living legend for helping me remember what chinuch is all about and hope that Hashem will continue to give him the strength the keep the cause of all of Hashem’s children in our minds always.
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