After a few years as school counselor at an elementary school for grades k through 8th, I noticed a pattern of similar situations that were regular occurrences year and after year. Some examples that come to mind are the never ending arguments about who and how the fields should be used during recess. There was never a perfect solution to the number of boys and girls of different ages who saw the same field as their personal soccer, baseball, football and kickball field simultaneously. I chuckled during a recent visit to the school in which I saw a chart in hall describing the complex pre-negotiated field usage for afternoon recess. Unfortunately, other regular issues were more painful and significant. A year did not pass without attempting to sooth the pain of children of divorce, advising victims of spiteful bullying and assisting students at the verge of expulsion. I must admit that for many of these perennial challenges, I was unable to find the elusive secret solution. Through research, advice seeking, and old fashion prayer I believe that we were able to find a way through these painful issues, sometimes even ending up better off because of it.
Amidst the confusion, there were a handful of issues that I was able to address effectively. One of the most common presenting problems that found its way to my office was trouble with friends. Although the language changed based on the gender and age of the children, students across grade levels had trouble getting along socially. It was often around the third grade that girls and boys would enter the world of social status, cliques and the painful feelings of being left out. From that point on it did not slow down. I found myself regularly giving classroom workshops and talking to pained parents and individuals about these challenges. Through some common sense and trial and error I developed three basic rules about talking to a classmate whose behavior is upsetting. At first I shared these rules in one on one meetings, and when it yielded success, I began sharing them with larger groups. These steps do not solve major social issues that exist in a class, but it does give the average student a “roadmap” for self advocacy in changing their situation. These rules are not about “getting even” or exacting equal and opposite pain, but work toward constructively getting a given behavior to change.
Here are the three simple rules:
1. The intervention must be done in private. Never speak to a person about change when others are around. In that environment they will become defensive and need to save face. In private they are more likely to actually listen to the content of the feedback.
2. The intervention must be a different time than the behavior took place. Correcting behavior at the moment of the transgression sets up a defensive posture and doesn’t allow for genuine reflection. Also, talking to a person some time after the event expresses a level of seriousness and a higher level of concern than a kneejerk comment.
3. When talking about the behavior use “I” statements that focus on the impact of the behavior on you personally. Do not use accusatory language that identifies the perpetrator as the focus. “I feel bad when you leave me out” is easier to accept than “You are so mean because you leave me out”.
When students followed these three rules they were pleasantly surprised by the results. Their peers actually listened to the feedback and even apologized for the behaviors. They appreciated being approached in such a respectful and sincere way that allowed both parties to share a genuine interaction about the behavior. These interactions often resulted in a positive for all parties. We found that essentially people like to be respected and do not like to cause pain to others. When not in public, in the heat of the moment or in attacking language – people are open to listening. On the rare occasion that the anticipated effect did not come about it was usually because one the rules was squirted, even if ever so slightly.
After some experimentation, the students and I found that teachers and parents are also “essentially people who like to be respected and do not like to cause pain to others”. When a student had a hard time with an assignment, if he or she would follow these rules and approach the teacher privately, not the day the project was due and talk about their hardship (and not how unfair the assignment was) teachers accommodated! If a child wanted a rule at home changed, he/she too had this secret formula at his/her disposable. All he/she had to do was follow these rule and change happened.
As teachers we can use the lessons of these rules in a number of ways. Most importantly, when redirecting students’ classroom behavior. Our students are also “essentially people who like to be respected and do not like to cause pain to others”. Students do not seem to really change behavior as a result of public embarrassment and redirection in the heat of the moment. Rather a later, private and sensitive conversation is the most effective approach. It takes discipline to hold back redirection when a student continuously talks in class. Talking with him or her at a later date about the effect of his/her talking on you and the other students is a worthwhile investment.
Now it is your turn. Think of student, friend, family member or co-worker who does a behavior that legitimately is hurtful to you. 1. Find a private place, 2. Make sure it is not in proximity of the last time the behavior was done and 3. Sincerely talk about why and how it hurts you. I can confidently assure you that you will find success. Let me know how it goes.
